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Steve Garvey's Tips for Lovers • Ka-Si Atta Bat 
L. L. Beaner Catalog • Gertrude Steinbrenner 

NATIONAL 



IAM 




JULY 1982 ♦ THE HUMOR MAGAZINE FOR ADULTS * $2.00 




CoDvriaht©2007 National Lamooon Inc 






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onu smooth nuww \ 



RONRICO 



PUERTO RIG\N 

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Coovriaht © 2007 National LamDOon Inc. 



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CoDvriaht©2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



©1982 TDK EtectfGnics Corp. 





Every playback is an encore. 



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NATIONAL 



EditoMti -Chief: CvraU Suvsman 



Senior Editors: Tod Carroll, Ted Mann, Sean Kelly 

Managing iiiiitor: Stisun DftftfS 

tUfaon: JoJlfl RentfcL 

Michael Heiw, At Jean 

.Senior < '<Y'v Editor: Gn?(* Wiistefcld 

Editorial Assoewtes: Tannic ft. Ijiu.ETiCti Shames 

Contributing Editors: Michael CM tello. 

Kevin Co rratl. Stephen teller, Jiwy Crecn, John I I lights. 

Chris Miller. Dili Moseky, Ed Suhitzky, 

John Wi'idiuiiiL Litis Weia ur 



<\rt Dove tor Michael Grossman 



Associate Art Director: Arleiie Lappen 

Art Associate*? Marianne t; tit Kiev, Timothy McCarthy 

Photography Coordinator: Kate C.altaghcr 

Senior Contributing Artists; 

Ron H Arreti, M, K. liromi. Rainfall Kims. Sum Gross, 

kick Meyercmit/, ChflrtcS Rodrifiues. 

It K. Ihylol 
( untnhut in g Artists; U-sllt- faliai^a. John Caldwell, 

Hunt < i il li i an, Rfcrk C iisirj; I ell G lasser. 

Wayne Mclaughlin. Howard Nloslnind. Mimi Pond, 

Hob Raklta, Prank Springer. Peter \e\ 

Contributing Photographers: Orris Gdifs, 

Ronald C. 1 1 arris, n.ui Nclken. JuuwsSat/ano. 

James Wojeik 



Pnbttshei Julian L WWier 

Idwrttsing Dirivior Richard Atkins 

Marketing Director: Swoa Harris Pari.iT 

Research Manager: Lynn Suvilt 

hvttKCtHin tftmtot-Camitbi ftussu 

Ifrtducitoo Asm taw Raymond Ikitfaghno 

Dn viim i if College Marketing; George A^ojjlia, Jr, 

Press Coordinator • Offtt *- Manager: Barbara Sahatlno 



Published bj NlAiumiunueaiuiris.UK,. 
a subsidiary of National Lampoon, Inc. 

( hoirn ntti: Malty Simmon* President: Julian L Wcher 

Chittrintnu liwatthe Committee: Leonard Mo^el 

Senior I tee- President; George S. Aj;ojilia 

litt- ■ President. Adwrttsing: Rkhard Atkins 

lice-Prewlenf. Eoiante: Peter l„ Philippe 

Vice-President. Sitlmriptioits and Proihiet Sides: I Inward Jurofeky 

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national lampoon Magazine iissn ooz74587): puWished 

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trademark of NL ( momuiiKaiionv lm 1 iu I jmpiuii rumc »■>■ u«kt with ihi; 
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Mddfeon V.ih.c Nvw \od. N 1 * I0&2 AUVERTISINC INFOKMATION: 
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Jitlv J982 



Coovriaht©2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



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CoDvriaht©2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



*D 



— 



Contents 




July 1982 



Vol. I No. 48 



Cover 

By Dennis Ziemienski 



The Royal Four-f lushers, 
or Wheelchair Fury 

By Kevin Curran 

Illustrated by GregTheakston 



34 



Steve Garvey's Batting Tips 
for Lovers 

By Kevin Curran 
Illustrated by Gary Hallgren 



37 



Mike V Al's Boxing Briefs 

By Michael Reiss and AI Jean 



43 



Football Fever 
on Castro Street 

By Tod Carroll 
Photographed by V Damien 



50 



L. L. Beaner Catalog 

By Gerald Sussman and Ted Mann 
Photographed by Dan Nelken 



55 



Ka-SiAttaBat 

By Sean Kelly and Rick Meyerowitz 



60 



The 1984 Los Angeles Olympics 
Press Kit 

By Gerald Sussman and John Weiclman 



64 



A Portrait of Gertrude Steinbrenner 

By Ron Barrett 



70 



Surprise Poster 

By Wayne McLoughlin 



74 



E R 



Editorial 



6 



Letters from the Editors 



8 



Professor Kennilworth 
on the Joke 

By Dave Yuzo Specie r 



10 



Shooting Stars 

By Joel Kweskin and Cary Bayer 



12 



Fun Tales from the World of Sport 

By Kevin Curran 



16 



Time of the Month 



21 



Foto Funnies 



30,77 



True Section 



81 



Funny Pages 



85 



National Lampoon Contest # 10 



86 



4 July 1982 



Coovriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 





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Coovriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



i / 



lOU KNOW HOW SOME- 

times you're really 
wrapped up in watching a 
life-and-death situation 
on a real great TV show 
like "K-odtfs Landing" or somethings 
and just at the most gripping, exciting, 
realistic moment, you see . . . a boom 
shadow. ..or so m e b o d y m u ffs a 
line... and it spoils everything? It really 
wrecks the illusion. 

Well, this editorial, appearing in the 
July 1982 issue of the magazine, wasn't 
written in July. It was written, right 
against deadline, in early March. 

You're taking the shock really well. 

What thai means is live whole 
months will have passed between the 
time we all heard about John and the 
time you read this. 

By the time you read this. . . 

Soren Kierkegaard, the late Danish 
humorist, used to wonder at the absurd 
optimism implied in making assump- 
tions about the future. How dare we ac- 
cept a dinner invitation? Mightn't a tile 
have fallen off a roof and totaled us by 
dinnertime? 

Five months. More than enough time 
for the mother of Hamlet (another late 
Danish humorist) to dry her tears and 
happily remarry... 

In five months. John may actually 
have dropped off the front pages, after 
they've counted the molecules in his 
poor cells, and interviewed the dozens 
of creeps he was alone with at the end. 
and all the old friends he never met. 
who tried to warn him... 

In late 72, John left the Second Citv 
company in Chicago and came to New 
York to star in a National Lampoon off- 
Broadway show called Lemmings, He 
didn't much want to come. But the 
audiences helped convince him he'd 
made the right career move. It was love 
at first take." 

Lemmings was a sort of musical, 
about rock music, drugs, and death at 
an early age. Those things all seemed 
pretty funny, at the time . . . 

The character John played in Lem- 
mings—or. to be accurate, the character 
John brought to Lemmings— was a 
homicidal, suicidal, totally out-of-con- 
trol teddy bear. He staved with the show 
a vcar. He kept the part for life. 

Which is not meant to diminish his 
skill as an actor. He was a witty brilliant 
improviser. with the added ana unusual 
ability to work away at a gesture, a 




paase, a take, until he had it perfect— 
and then freeze it. leave it alone, exe- 
cute it the same every time. He never 
undercut his material* or went baroque 
with it. joking on the joke, breaking up 
the band. He was a pro, as they say. But 
powering the skill and hard work and 
stage smarts was John, the berserk 
koala. 

■ After Lemmings. John was featured 
on, and for a while actually co pro- 
duced. "The National Lampoon Radio 
Hour! 1 He convinced a bunch of old 
pals to leave Second City and join him 
here in New York as coslars on the 
show: and in a second stage show about 
to begin. Thus we met Gild a. and Brian, 
and Bill... They created "The National 
Lampoon Show* and most nights there 
would be TV guys sitting ringside, tak- 
ing notes,.. 

Until, together with Chevy (from 
Lemmings), they became the Not Ready 
for Prime TimeFiayers. 

The point to this history lesson is: 
John was generous to his friends, 
and not afraid of competition for 
laughs, or anything else. They all be- 
came stars. He became a superstar, 
whose molecules made headlines... 

Then there was Animal House. Nat- 
Lamp's first movie, and once again the 
writers were smart enough to give John 



the lead, and let him play— John. Well, a 
part of John. The baby Gargantua who 
lived inside him (alongside the teenage 
guru, the lunch-counter Greek, the lov- 
ing husband, the killer bee, the blues 
singer, Joe Cocker, and everybody else). 
The cuddly killer who wanted to con- 
sume the universe, eat it, guzzle it. 
smoke it. snort it give it a terrible hug. . , 
During the next (last) five months, a 

. lot of sage folks are sure to say that 

■ what is shocking is not that John died. 

| buw/zenwrhedied. 

Wrong. The way he died was about 
as shocking as a Wallenda falling off a 
tightrope, or an Indy racer crashing. 

What is... shocking... is that a person 
.so alive that it even came through on 
television , . . isn't alive anymore. 

So. we're sorry. For John, a little, be- 
cause he really was too young to die of 
old age just yet. For his wife, Judy, who 
is a decent, gentle, and sensitive person, 
who might have been spared the head- 
line buzzards and the molecule 
counts... And sorrv for ourselves, be- 
cause something alive and dangerous 
and lovable has gone out of our lives. 
One reason John liked to keep the 

I party going was that he wasn't espe- 

I daily good at good-byes. 

Good-bye. John. Wish you could 

I have stayed. —S. K. 



My 1982 



CoDvriaht©2007 National Lamooon Inc. 






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Coovriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



LLBiiiihS 




ABIES AND GENTLEMEN: 

Allow me lo introduce 
myself. Vm the official 
Letters column warm- up 
comedian. Its my job lo 
welcome you to this page of letter and 
to gel you in a good, laughing mood for 
the' letters to come. So." take my wife, 
please. 1 don't gel no respect. Well, ex- 
cuuuuse me, 

Okav. so maybe those aren*l my 
jokes. What do you care- I'm working 
tor peanuts. You see. Tin so fat they 
think I'm an elephant. Look, 1 know 
you're still alive— 1 can hear you breath- 
ing out there. Cmoii. laugh, damn you! 
God, I hale this job. 

Marly Allen 

Ojjkial Letters Column 

Warm-up Con \edian 

Sirs: 

We've been revived to look into the 
Reagan shooting, and so far we know 
I this much: 

| I.Mr. Reagan is currently a president 
\ of the United States, 

2. The hole! near where he was shot 
employs many people, with its seasonal 
hiring slightly higher. 

Nol much vet, but we ve got some ex- 
citing leads on the presidents blood 
type: 

Warren C om mission 
Washing on, D.C. 




Where can 1 get me some of those 
great Susan if Anthony dollars? 
They're SO handy and convenient. 1 just 
carft see how people ever did without 
them. 

Howard Crane 
Covington. Ky 



Sirs: 

So all right, whal if you had this ex- 
pensive cassette recorder, right? And 
there was some way to like put it on 
automatic and leave il in the forest with 
one of those built-in mikes thafs real 
sensitive, va know? And you like come 
back a few- days later and a iree fell 
while you were gone? You mean lo tell 
me you con Id n t play il back and hear it 
fall? No fucking way. man! 

Play- Do h, die Modern Philosopher 

Sirs: 

Does anybody out there know where 
I can get ten million pair of cheapshit 
jeans without any labels on them yet? 

Gloria Vanderbili 
Mew York City 




fed)C(ol 



l^^— 



'We make our choices... butcher, baker, or candlestick maker, 
and we live with them. Right, Arnie?" 



Why would anyone name their son 
Felix.' Mori. Otto. Angus. Delbert. 
Zeke. Oddis. Eino. Ty. Shlomo. Ross. 
Baldwin. Ezra. Croft" Terdell. Djusta. 
Mikx Edsel. Dunhill. Tad. Cyril. Omar. 
Gusiabo. Remo. Macon. Zack. Bronis- 
law Hennell. Cazzie. Gumpster. Waido. 
Vern. Graven or Floyd? 

Name Withheld by Request 
Providence. R.L 

Sirs: 

How come they have all those great 
religious programs on television all at 
the same time on Sunday? Why can't 
they put some of them into prime time, 
so we can enjoy them during the week, 
too? 

Alvin Reynolds 
Omaha. Nebr 

Sirs: 

How would you like money, power, 
respect-all free' of charge? Jusi sign on 
the dotted line: 

and mail to me. Ah, ha, ha. ha. ha. ha! 
Mr. Mephistopheles 
El Diablo, N. Me.w 

Sirs: 

They've got some goddamn nerve 
with their signs like Slower Traffic Keep 
Right, and No Left Turn, and shil like 
that. lis my car. and PI I drive it any way 
I damn well please. 

Bill Murphy 
Pittsburgh. Pa. 

Sirs: 

Man. 1 goi everybody fooled. I play 

two sports, make a whole mess of 

money in both of them, and get laid a 

lot. Pretty good for an ugly asshole, eh? 

Pete Rose, aka Jimmy Connors 

Sirs: 

It works for me. too. Right on. 
Jimmy-Peie! 

Reggie Jackson, aka John McEnroe 

M CONTINUED ON PAGE 75) 



H Jufv 1982 



Coovriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



IlftiUratitw; Patit Mrisci 



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CoDvriaht©2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



- - 



Professor 
Kennilworth 
on the Joke 



Q: What's the difference 
between a... and a,..? 
A: You could eat a bowling 
ball if you really had to. 
by Dave Yuzo Spector 






lOKES, YOU SEE, ARE NOT 

funny. They never were 
funny Neither are jokes hu- 
morous or even interesting. 
People who laugh at jokes 
aren't funny People who teil jokes are 
even worse. My physics students ask 
me. "So why aren't jokes funny Mr. 
Kennilworth?" And I tell them. "First 
of all. acne eases, it's Professor Ken- 
nilworth " Then 1 continue. 'There is no 
good in that which can be explained 
and proved to be an impossible affair. 
Women cannot be explained, hence 
they arc lovable. Nature is helplessly 
complex, therefore it fascinates. Jokes, 
however, can be thoroughly disproved. 




and, thusly. are a borer For the unen- 
lightened reader, i shall demonstrate. 

EXAMPLE l: A patient walks into his ab- 
sent minded doctor s office and notices 
that the doctor is writing with a ther- 
mometer. The patient sars, "Hey, Doc, 
how come voiuv writing with a ther- 





eo\>eM 



*7 left my wife this morning. Of course, it was only 
to go to work, but I feel good about it.*' 



mometer?" The doctor replies "God damn 
it! Now some assholes got my pen! " 

The anus is a remarkable workhorse 
of the human body. Through a compli- 
cated set of muscles and tissues it is ca- 
pable of retaining bile and dejecta 
inside and then releasing it only when 
ordered to do so by the bowels' Its de- 
sign rivals that of sophisticated machin- 
ery and performs a function necessary' 
to our sanitary survival. However, there 
is no thinking apparatus in the anal 
canal that could determine any profit in 
stealing a writing implement. In addi- 
tion, should the anus, for arguments 
sake, decide to retain a writing imple- 
ment, the implement would soon be 
forced out due to peristalsis, or the nat- 
ural resistance of the sphincter muscle— 
except in certain neighborhoods. 

EXAMPLE 2: Q: How do you get a Polack 

out of the bathtub? 

A : Throw in a bar of soap. 

The dimensions of a bar of non- 
institutional soap, after computing the 
size variations between complexion, 
deodorant, and family-size -deodorant 
soaps, is W' X 4 [ / 2 " X %". taking into 
consideration two weeks of use ac- 
counting for a 21 percent reduction in 
the bar's volume. Therefore, when this 
bar of soap is immersed in said bathtub, 
it could displace matter not exceeding 

t C O N T I N V f: D O N PAGE ) 4 ) 



10 July 1982 



Coovriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



Illustration: El wood H. Smith 



HPM-900 


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CoDvriaht©2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



Shooting 
Stars 



Violent movies, news, 
sports: all new on 
all-violence cable TV. 
by Joel Kweskin 
and Cory Bayer 

PATTY HEARST TELLS US 
there's a lot more lo her 
relationship with TV per- 
sonality Barbara Walters 
than folks think. Even be- 
fore their celebrated interview Barbara 
paid visits to the convicted Symbionese 
Liberation Army collaborator while she 
was in prison. "Barbara was so nice to 
tmV Patty recalls. "I wanted to do 
something nice for her. 1 knew she 
hadn't been dating anyone special at the 
time, so I gave her some names and 
numbers of guys 1 met through the 
SLA. . . At one poinC Patty says. "Bar- 
bara got real dreamy like, and asked me 
in that funny voice of hers. 'What's it 
weally wike to be wavaged by tewwow- 
istsT 1 mean, she really does'sound like 
Gilda Radner . , Thanks for the scoop. 
Patty, and Congrats on your best-selling 
bio/ Meanwhile, shame on you. SLA. 
Remaining army members, jealous of 




the attention the media has given Patty, 
last week tried to lay siege to San 
Simeon, palatial estate of Patty's great- 
grandfather, publisher William Ran- 
dolph Hearst. When security proved 
too tight, the frustrated renegades did 
what they considered the next best 
thing. The)' kidnapped Orson Welles, 
and now they \re stuck with him. No one 
will pay a ransom and his food bills are 
enormous. 

Who says baseball is a no neon tact 
snort? A noted sociologist looks for the 
clay when stadiums will erect huge bul- 
letproof glass screens to protect the likes 
of Dave Parker and others from beer 
cans, batteries, golf balls, and other mis- 




siles thrown bv eager fans... Another 
obsei"ver says ball players will soon be 
sweating through the dog days of sum- 
mer wearing bulletproof vests, helmets, 
leg pads, even bulletproof groin cups. 
We think that scenario makes more 
sense. Besides, why cheat fans of their 
right to display dissatisfaction once 
they've paid their hard-earned way into 
the* park? After ail. were talking about 
athletes who make millions for possess- 
ing, among other things, fast reflexes. 
Vk say let the fans put those reflexes to 
the test. 

The postman doesn't even ring 
once... That's the word from our un- 
derground friends in Iran, who say that 
letter bombs are again all the rage. 

New York City s New School for So- 
cial Research is starting a movie-foi -dis- 
cussion course next month on violence 
in America. Among the scheduled 
flicks: The Fan, Fade to Black, Motel 
Hell and The Texas Chain Saw Mas- 
sacre. No doubt, plenty of violence in 
each of them. The question is, is it art? 
Frankly, our answer is, who cares? We 
have our own reason for attending, 
thank you. Like picking up valuable 
pointers on slashing, garroting, hack- 
sawing, gouging, bludgeoning, and dis- 
emboweling. Sure, movies are meant to 
entertain, but when they also educate 
and instruct we come away pretty darn 
impressed. 

Mallei introducing two new chal- 
lenging video aamesi "Airport Security 
Check * and "Hijack." Object of the first 
game is to sneak even' thing from fire- 
arms lo vials of chemical explosives, 
first past the security-check X ray, then 
past airport police, without looking 
conspicuous. Just as in real life, it's not 
as easy as it looks, . . "Hijack" picks up 
where "Security Check 1 leaves off... 
Object, once inside the plane, is simple 
enough: at some point between cock- 
tails and the middle of the in-flight 
movie, you take over the cockpit and 
announce your intention to "have this 
thing flown to Riyadh? Ah. but you 
have to first avert suspicion by ordering 
a specially prepared Kosher dinner... 
It's all intriguing fun, and youngsters 
and adults alike should really flip for 
the lifelike situations. 

Shhh . . . it's a secret, but: Jewish De- 

( ( ■ O N T I N L' E D ON I' A C, K 15) 



12 Julv 1982 



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(CON 1 I N U I l> P K M P A E I (i ) 

2|A" X 4%" X »/ 4 ". A typical Polack would 
be a good deal larger than those dimen- 
sions, proving the experiment fruitless. 
Only by using a Polish fetus could the 
displacement stand a chance of success; 
but a fetus would not likely have any 
business bathing alone. 

[ s XA M PLE 3 : Q : What s the difference be- 
tween a howling bail and a Polish pussy? 
A: You could ecu a bowling ball if you 
really had to. 

The density of a bowling ball is 
2060.4 lb/ft {mass over volume), as op- 
posed to human flesh combined with 
silky pubic hair, which is 9.2 lb. ft. In 
order to break the surface of a bowling 
ball, with its hardness of 50 1000 on the 
Gruelin Scale, your teelh would have to 
have an equal hardness of 50 1000 or 
better. Even if the level of hard n ess were 
matched, a force of at least 40 horse- 
power would be needed to drive the 
tooth or teelh strong enough, to pro- 
duce a chip or fissure. In recorded den- 
tal history, the greatest force ever 
exerted by teeth on a nonfood item was 
in 1958, when Bud Fortillo of Grand 
Rapids wagered $50 he could open a 



bottle of Blatz with his mouth. 

EXAMPLE 4: Q: Why does Dr. Pepper 

come in bottles? 

A : Because his wife died. 

Assuming Dr. Pepper graduated 
from an accredited medical school, his 
minimum age would put him at twenty- 
seven. Co ml records show that Dv. Pep- 
per was neither a midget nor a dwarf 
but average in height (5'9") and weight 
( 165 lbs). The neck of a soda- pop bottle, 
as dictated by the American Bottlers 
Association, is exactly %"\ or 71 mm. 
The smallest circumference allowable 
to contain a mature urethra and blood 
ducts for erection is 1 %'*. Even if the 
organ were inserted into the bottle in a 
flaccid state (%" or smaller), the penis 
could not ejaculate without achieving at 
least a 50 percent erectile stale, well over 
the bottles limiting 2 /\" diameter, thus 
rendering orgasm not only impossible 
but uninteresting as well. 

EXAMPLE 5: Two drunks stumble info an 
alley and see a dog on (he ground licking 
his balls. One drunk says, 'Hew J wish I 
could do that?* to which the of her drunk 
says, "/ think you better pet him first?' 

Given the advanced state of in- 
toxication of the men in the above situa- 
tion, the coordination needed to 



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accomplish a serious tonguing of a ca- 
nines testicles would seem sorely ab- 
sent Disregarding sexual deviates, for a 
normal person of stable mind to sup- 
pose that another similarly stable per- 
son would experience pleasure in 
lapping a dog's genitals would indicate 
a severe mental distortion brought 
about by no less than a 1.4 ideoha) level. 
At this level the drinker cannot main- 
tain a balanced position, other than 
sleeping, much less use his tongue accu- 
rately while in a hovering stance, 

EXAM PLE 6; Q: Why doesn 7 Jesus C luist 

like to eat M&Msf 

A: Because they keep Jailing through his 

hands. 

Not likely. The crude nails used in the 
crucifixion did indeed pierce holes in 
the Saviors palms. However, as Jesus 
was not believed to be hemophilic, co- 
agulation and the probable presence of 
wood fibers would have created a dried 
and congealed blockage of consid- 
erable degree, with edema due to 
trauma adding to the difficulty. Plain 
M&Ms are too large to make their way 
through the holes, excepting those 
M&M's handled about three minutes 
prior to the clotting period and the in- 
sertion of said nails. As for peanut 
M&M's, forget it. 

EXAMPLE 7: A spaceship from Mars 
needs to replace a tire right away, so it 
lands on Earth in the middle of Brook- 
lyn, New York. The Martians walk 
around until they notice a delicatessen 
with a trav of bagels in the window. They 
go inside and ask the counterman, 
"Could we have one of those spare 
wheels?" The counterman replies, 
"Those aren't wheels, they're bagels. 
Here, try one?* The Martian takes a bite, 
thinks for a moment, and says, "He \\\ vu 
know what these would go awfully good 
with? Lox and cream cheese?' 

For a technically advanced Martian 
to assume that something close to a 
common bagel would be of applicable 
use in a landing apparatus is most 
curious. While the plain- water bagel is 
more uniform in shape and oilers less 
aerodynamic resistance, the other vari- 
eties (in the tray, like poppy and onion, 
would be of such variance in perimeter 
as to seriously jeopardize a safe rollout 
on the desert like surface found on 
Mars, where the oxide composition 
would quickly eat away the "bagel 
I wheels." In addition, double parking is 
strictly prohibited in Brooklyn. 

| NEXT MONTH. I WILL DEMONSTRATE 

i why song lyrics don't make sense and 

! are ultimately boring. Included will be 

"Fve Got the World on a String'* and 

"Blue Moon!' ■ 



14 JuJv 1982 



CoDvriaht©2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



Shooting Stars 

< C O N T I N U E D P R O M P A G E I 2 I 

J'ensc League leader Meyer Kahanc is 
such a schktb* or slob, that his close 
friends jokingly call him "Oscar" 
Meyer. 

Last year's explosive "60 Minutes" in- 
terview with renegade CIA munitions 
suppliers Frank Terpil and Gary Kor- 
kola has unexpectedly launched two 
new careers. Despite the mercenary 
duo's "disappcarancer filmmaker and 
fellow fugitive Roman Pol an ski has 
penned a Hick based on their exploits. 
Butch and Sundance in Lebanon. Now 
he's searching the Middle Easi to sign 
the handsome Korkola and the likable 
Terpil to play themselves. "Combine 
Gary's wavy blond hair with thai ador- 
able twinkle in Frank's eye and ils hard 
to see how these two could miss," writes 
the peripatetic Polanski from some- 
where near Damascus. 

We scoop Rttpe: Publishing mogu 
Rupert Murdoch to expand empire 
with formation of his own cable -TV 
network, a twenty-four-hour pay ser- 
vice called the Violence Channel'. Pro- 
grams will include violent movies, 
news, specials, sports, interviews, and 
game shows. "This network," Murdoch 
told a press conference, k is for people 
who are left unsatisfied by the way vio- 
lence is passively transmitted through 
newspapers... Yes," he laughed, "even 
my New York Post" Murdoch's pre- 
miere shows will be the controversial 
porn classic Snuff, in which the female 
lead is actually shown being, murdered, 
and exclusive on-the-scene live cov- 
erage of Death Row executions. 

Birthdaying this month: Kathy Bou- 
din, thirty-nine, and Emily Harris, 
thirty- four. 

Paladin Press, the publishers who 
brought you the practical How to Kill 
series, Pictorial History of U.S. Sniping, 
and Nazi Silencer Patents, is branching 
out into another business. Looking to 
give Western Union and their singing 
telegram and Candy gram a run for 
their money, Paladin has introduced 
Killagram. This delightful new service 
dispatches a messenger to the home of 
that special someone on your "list.* 1 
Dressed in top hat and tails, the messen- 
ger rings the doorbell, greets your friend 
with a few bars from 'Another One 
Bites the Dust," and delivers your mes- 
sage—a .38-caIiber slug between the old 
peepers. 

Shooters Survival Guide, slick 
monthly out of Anaheim, California, is 
running a popular direct-mail cam- 
paign. Readers renewing a three-year 
subscription receive as a gift through 

(CONTINUED ON PAGE 19) 




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Coovriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 




Cackling uncontrollably, 
Ali confided, "I don't 
know who 1 am. I gots 
brain damage real bad" 
by Kevin Curran 



HE WORLD OF SPORT HAS 

produced more than its 
'share of excitement, car- 
nage, and mirth. Athletes 
are as notorious for their 
spritely antics olf the field as for their 
heroic abilities on it. They love to spend 
their off-hours spilling buckets of water 
and chicken parts on each other, ripping 
expensive furniture to shreds in luxuri- 
ous hotel rooms, drinking themselves 
silly while pawing large- breasted small- 
town waitresses named Kelly-Jo or Jan. 
and. in general, cany ins: on the way all 
red-blooded males would really like to. 
And why shouldn't they? Tficv make 
more money in a few years of glam- 
orous combat, pitting their finely honed 
skills and instincts against each other in 
tests of skill and strength (each game, 
indeed, a precise reenactment of the 



Fun Tales 
from the 
World of Sport 




joys and agonies of life), than you will 
"in a lifetime of shuffling papers as a 
clerk for your local Firestone Tire retail 
outlet, where your boss is probably a 
woman, blue haired and solidly post- 
menopausal, to boot. Can you imagine 
Mean Joe Greene spending his days 
chained to a desk in the corner of an of- 
fice in an unfashionable part of down- 
town Pittsburgh, surrounded by dying 
potted plants, staring straight ahead at a 
''new-wave ' collage put together by a 
nineteen-year-old typist who had 
flunked out of her first year at Alle- 
gheny Community College because on 



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a pop quiz she couldn't name the first 
three presidents regardless of orcierl 
Hell. no. 

So don't begin to mouth off about 
"extravagant sports salaries" and "poor 
TV reception' until you stand in the 
batters box trembling as "Goose" Gos- 
sage rears back to deliver a blazing fast- 
ball in your direction, scientifically 
calculated to be traveling at 100 miles 
per. Or until you've stood tall in the ring 
against a punching machine like Larry 
Holmes delivering rights to the head 
that would turn your brain to refried 
beans inside of the two- minute mark of 
the first round. Have you ever encoun- 
tered the hurtling form of Ed "Too Tall" 
Jones barreling across the line, throwing 
away your puny blockers the way a 
Sugar Bowl queen throws M&Ms to a 
hungry parade crowd? Listen, mister, 
have you ever once in your pathetic life 
gone one on one with "The DoctorT 
Julius Living, and attempted to stop the 
slam dunk that he wants real badly to 
put in your face, the one where he takes 
off like a rocket from the free- throw line 
and won't be stopped by nothing save a 
Soviet attack on the entire East Coast? 

I should say not. And you think your 
giil respects you! I bet she's ofT right this 
second, down at the old corner news- 
stand, buying the latest copy of Sports 
Html rated to drool over the likes of Joe 
Montana, going back to her room with 
that magazine, locking the door, un- 
plugging the phone, and. well . . , 

Here then is a cheerful, upbeat selec- 
tion of prime-rib anecdotes about those 
wacky goofballs of athleticism and their 
madcap, lark -a- minute lafT-style. 

PETE ROSE. "CHARLEY HUSTLE" TO A 
generation of fans of the Cincinnati 
Reds and now the Philadelphia Phillies, 
recently joined the ranks of one of base- 
ball's most select groups, those players 
making over 3.000 career hits in their 
lifetime. "Petey" proudly carried the bat 
that slammed that hanging curve into 
shallow right field for number 3,000 as 
he hurried to the parking lot. There he 
espied three dark-skinned teenagers at- 
tempting unlawful entry into his shiny 



16 Julv 1982 



Coovriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



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Ronald Ramos, Civil Engineer and his wife Gladys 

People everywhere are discovering the crisp appeal of white 
rum and tonic. In fact, Puerto Rican white rum makes a more satisfy- 
ing drink than vodka or gin — whether its mixed with tonic, soda, 
orange juice or tomato juice. 

The reason? Smoothness. By law, all rum from Puerto Rico 
must be aged at least one year. And when it comes to smoothness, 
aging is the name of the game, 

Make sure the rum is from Puerto Rico* 

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cherry red 19 Trans-Ann. Rose hurried 
up to the pesky youths and assumed his 
batting stance, clubbing each soundly 
in turn on the head while dead panning. 
"Number 3.001. 3,002. 3,003., . 

AS PART OF HIS REHABILITATION PRO- 

grarn, convicted felon round ball wizard 
Marvin Barnes was ordered by a well- 
respected superior-court judge to "con- 
duct weekend basketball clinics and/or 
training camps in and /or around the 
environs of Detroit!* One such lesson 
took place in suburban Grosse Pointe, a 
neighborhood better known for its 
bridge tourneys than its basketball. 
"Marvelous Maw' 1 kept his famous 
high spirits under restraint as the pasty- 
faced suburban youngsters shyly dis- 
played their hoop "skills!" One young 



moppet, a girl of no more than four or 
five years, attempted a few feeble 
dribbles and proudly asked Marvin if 
he thought she could ever play on his 
team when she grew up. Eyeing the pig- 
tailed tyke with glee. "Bad News" 
Barnes chuckled and responded care- 
fully "No. but I'd sure like to get a 
blowjob from you in ten years. . J" 

ALL-STAR SHORTSTOP PEE WEE REESE, 

a master of the glove as well as the hick- 
ory, once had a hard time of it in his 
chosen profession a I San Francisco's 
famed Candlestick Park. He repeatedly 
flubbed the most innocent of grounders 
struck in his direction. However, the 
Wee Man retained his sense of humor 
commenting, "Christ, who'd want to 
bend over in this city?" Veteran scribes 



rightly interpreted the remark as a jibe 
at the city's notorious homosexual pop- 
ulation, well known for fucking each 
other in the ass. 

A FORMER HIGH-SCHOOL BUDDY OF 

Muhammad Ali found himself seated 
on the same dais as the champ at a 
chicken n' chives fund-raising bash for 
the Red Cross in hometown Louisville. 
Kentucky Ali stood up and 'proceeded 
to deliver a long, rambling speech, and 
totally ignored his old pal who silently 
fumed. After the feast, the chagrined 
friend came to Ali in a huff and de- 
manded to know why he had been 
snuhbed. Ali paused for a second, then 
chuckled and laughed. "Ezra, it wasn't 
thai I wanted to put you down. You see. 

( C O N T I N U R D ON PAGE 31} 




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Shooting Stars 

(CONTINUED F R O M 1> A C, Y I S ( 

the mail a spanking- new submachine 
gun. The campaign is called— what 
else?— "Get a sub for a mb? ...D'ya 
love it 

Puerto Rican revolutionary group 
FALN branching out, producing and 
distributing new dessert foods. First 
product, geared for the Latin market is 
Spanish custard -to be called *TALN 
Flanr 

A slap on the tenor- wrist to: The Irish 
Republican Army for not letting that 
grand old Blarney Stone James Cagney 
throw out the first grenade of the new 
Northern Ireland battle season. Said 
IRA activist Bernadette Devlin, "We 



have a policy not to demean our cause 
I by allowing entertainers to get involved 
in the ceremonies of our revolution" We 
reminded Bernadette that Mr. Cagney 
has played proud Irish -Americans 
throughout his distinguished acting ca- 
reer and even appeared as an Irish na- 
tionalist during the Faster Rebellion in 
Shake Hands with the Devil.., Let's 
make an exception here. Boo on you, 
Bernadette! 

Remember to write us for free 
bumper stickers: HONK twice if YOU 

PACK A JO-CAL. Ml CARBINE and I 
BRAKE FOR PEDESTRIANS, SOMETIMES 
G. Gordon Liddy says hes disgusted 
with all the pacifist backlash against 
guns. *V\s far as I'm concerned." says the 
convicted Watergate conspirator, "guns 
don't kill people" People kill guns."" Re- 



ferring with pride to his own impressive 
collection, he explained, "If more 
people knew how to care for them, you 
wouldn't see the kind of damage done 
to barrels, pins, and chambers that mars 
the integrity of these beautiful 
instruments^ 

Last, but not least, our Horatio Alger 
Award of the month goes to Edwin Wil- 
son, who left behind a low-paying CIA 
job to make a better life for himself. 
Hes opened up his own business in 
Tripoli, supplying Libya and other 
Third World nations with such staples 
as guns, poisons, and explosives, A 
regular entrepreneur. Fcfs already 
branching out by establishing Wilson's 
House of Hits, a chain of explosives- 
and -records stores, througho 
Beirut, Tehran, and Baghdad. 



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OF THE MONTH 



PLANET 



Building the 
Case for 
Nuclear 
Disarmament 



Famous celebrities reveal 
what nuclear war might do to 
their houses 

JOINED TOGETHER FOR THE 
first time in their professional ca- 
reers. Ed Asner and Lynda Carter 
strode, unsmiling and resolute, to center 
stage, as an audience of 20,000 in Los 
Angeles's Griffith Park rose to their feet 
and pumped their fists into the air. 
44 Lynda and I are here today! ' Asner 
began tersely "because we're afraid of I 
nuclear war. 1 There was a long pause; I 
Asner tipped his head and fixed his eyes 
sidelong on the crowd. "I wonder how 
many of you comprehend!' he contin- 
ued, "the true destructive force of a nu- 
clear bomb!* 

Then, as the audience sat chilled and 
still, Asner and his cocelebrity unveiled 
large visuals of their own houses and 
described what would happen to them 
if a ten-kiloton device were exploded 
several miles away. "I figure my house 
would get a lot of damage," Asner said. 
"1 might have to move out, since there 
would probably be so many repairmen 
all over the place, getting in the way I 
suppose Td rent a temporary place, or 
maybe even buy one if the repairs were 
going to take a long time. 1 could keep 
the latter of course, as a rental property 
after I move out of it and back in to my 
old house. Or maybe I would just close 
it up and use it as a getaway home for 
weekends and summers. This is some- 
thing Pd have to decide after the 
nuclear attack, when I would have a 
better idea of my specific needs!* 
Lynda Carter's projection was quite 




Lynda Carter's living-room furniture might be toppled ami in many cases, broken. 



Coovriaht©2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



National Lampoon 21 



different from Asners. but no less dis- 
turbing, "1 believe a nuclear explosion 
of the size we re talking about would be 
terrible for a whole lot of my furniture, 
especially some of the older and more 
rustic pieces that you have to be kind of 
careful with even when yoif re just mov- 
ing them around to clean. I suppose the 
major decision I'd have to make after 
an attack is whether to replace these 
pieces or restore them. 1 know a man in 
Beverly Mills who's just about the best 
restorer there is. so T might at least take 
the one-of-a-kind things to him. unless 
hes killed, in which case Yd probably 
have to go with brand-new— I mean 
brand-new for me. but not necessarily 
brand-new like modern from a show- 
room, I drink I'm still too much of an 
antique-y person to redo the whole 
house in modern. Like Ed. HI have to 
wait until after the attack to see how I 
realty feer ■ 



GAMES AND RELIGIONPLAY 



On the 

Pagan Fields 
of Africa 



A thletes aren y t horn, 
they're bought 

SAVVY ALUMNI. HABITUAL GAM- 
blers, and other aficionados of in- 
tercollegiate sports are anticipat- 
ing runaway Victories in football 
basketball, and track by America's 
Catholic universities this season. 

The reason? Five generations of 
Catholic schoolchildren have been do- 
nating their lunch money to the Buy a 
Pagan Black Baby program. In every 
classroom in every parochial school in 
the land, nuns, priests, lay brothers, al- 
coholic bachelors, and ironclad spin- 
sters—that is to say, the entire teaching 
staffs-have been collecting nickels, 
dimes, and quarters for the African 
missions. 

The missions, however provide more 
than the simple shelter, food, and reli- 
gious training officially described, for 
they are. in reality the bulwark of a so- 
phisticated, top-secret athletic breeding 
ground, established to train lean, strong, 
swift, and devout rosary- rattling Zulus 
for NCAA competition in the U.S. 

"Although the program was slow to 
mature, 1 " says one source close to the 
church, "tens of thousands of pagan 
babies acquired over the years are all 
grown up now— all seven feet, three 
hundred and ten pounds of them— 



Q^ \L__ - "-'jy/ '-"^' JHk? *- : fc^" 
mjjli-l M^BfcJt^M y Bum ? ^ fl 

mm ^m\ W^WB mW\ ^H V/vQ ^V^V mmmmm£^ lm W il 



P&gan baby Mho Zwitnbabwa Zmbo is all grown up now and, according to the sports 
information director at Notre Dame, every bit worth the fifteen dollars donated to 
raise and train him. 



ready to blow ever)' bom -again cracker, 
milk-fed Mormon, and even ghetto- 
honed American Negro right out of the 
stadium? 

And there's more where that came 
from. Catholic universities have 
never been satisfied with mere athletic 
supremacy. They have a tradition of ac- 
ademic excellence to uphold as well, 
and the century-old Buy a Pagan Black 



SCIENCEOLOGY 



Baby program is about to pay ofT too in 
the field of intellectual endeavor. 

Look for a remarkable upswing in 
private- fo u n d a ti o n a n d go ve r n men t 
grants to the pure- and applied-science 
departments of those same Catholic 
schools, to underwrite the fantastic 
scholastic achievements of an army of 
Chinese- born physicists and math 
whizzes. ■ 



New Evidence Supports 
* Wheezing Universe" 
Theory 



THE DISCOVERY. IN 1913. R1P- 
pled through astronomy like a 
whirlpool in moondust - unmis- 
I takablc evidence that the universe is ex- 
panding, with galaxies Hying away 
from each other Tike spots on a balloon 
' that is being inflated. Scientists have 
long wondered, however if the universe 




Wrinkled and sagging. 



would ever stop expanding, and con- 
tract again. This is precisely what is 
going to happen, according to Dr. Alex 
Nelester noted Princeton astronomer. 
But this doesn I bode very well for ihc 
universe, he says. 

'*My latest equations, based on the 
newest spectroscopic data," he ex- 
plained, "indicate that the universe is al- 
ternately expanding and contracting, 
but each'expansion and contraction is a 
little weaker than the last one. In other 
words, the universe is wheezing. 1 think 
if s sick'' 

Nelester detailed his findings at a 
hushed conference of astronomers and 
cosmologists. "I guess its to be ex- 
pected," he said. "After all the universe 
is fifteen billion years old. That's awfully 
old. and sooner or later it had to start 
showing the signs. There's the much 
publicized 'red shift" of light from the 
stars— the universe becoming blood- 
shot. Galaxies that used to be smooth 



22 July 1982 



Coovriaht©2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



BEAT THEM AT 
THEIR OWN GAME! 

The invasion of the little screen people is escalating 
Not satisfied with their arcade conquest, Pac-Man, 
Donkey Kong, and their allies dare to menace 
l the very living rooms of America. 



tom 




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and beautiful are becoming wrinkled 
and saggy. And the universe definitely 
doesn't have as much energy as it used 
to. The law of conservation of energy 
just doesn't apply to old folks, as many 
of us at this conference sadly know' 

Nelester sighed. "1 guess its partly the 
universe's own fault. It could have been 



PHENOMENONEMA 



a little less wild when it was young. Cre- 
ating all those suns and pulsars and 
quasars —didn't it know it would have to 
pay the price someday? Why couldn t it 
lie satisfied with one or two galaxies? 
No. it had to have billions. I guess that's 
the way youth is. But now it has to 
pay the priced 



Intersecting Appliance 
Rings Yield First Results 



...And they are smashing 

IRONICALLY. SCIENTISTS. IN THEIR 
attempts to probe the very smallest 
constituents of matter have had to 
turn to ever larger devices. Popularly 
known as "atom smashers." or 'Inter- 
secting storage rings." these colossal 
structures often snake out over miles of 
countryside. Using complex electric 
and magnetic fields.' they accelerate the 
basic particles of matter— protons, elee- 



<^ 



Princeton. According to Alinbar. ,k Wc 
wondered what would happen if in- 
stead of smashing little things, we 
smashed reallv big things" In is re- 
quired the largest "smasher 41 ever built. 
he explained, but now after eighteen 
years of labor and a cost of billions, the 
"mammoth device has been finished, 
and preliminary results are in. 

r Q didn't want to start off too big." 



d pi 




How "intersecting appliance tings" work. 

trons-to near the speed of light. The 
particles, flying in opposite directions, 
then smash into each other, their 
enormous energy of motion converting 
itself into a shower of new particles, 
which scientists can detect and study. 
Whole catalogs of unexpected atomic 
particles have been discovered in this 
way, including such esoteric entities as 
the" positron and the muon. 

Now a new twist has been added to 
the process by Dr. Loren Alinbar of the 
Institute for Advanced Studies at 



explains Alinbar, "so we began by ac- 
celerating two baseballs near the speed 
of lighi and smashing them into each 
other. The results were fascinating 
shreds thai we call liallons.' Next we 
tried a toaster and a twelve- inch por- 
table television, and. after that, a 1977 
Mercury Capri and a souped -up '56 
Chevrolet. Our detectors registered 
thousands of new particles as a result: 
even the most experienced scientists on 
the project had never seen any of them 
before . We ca 1 1 1 he m k ca rons* ** ■ 



DOMESTICANA 



Autopsy- 
Turvy in 
Tinseltown 

The morgue, the merrier 

W^R THOMAS NOGUCHI, HOLLY* 
■wood's famous "coroner to the 
J^^ stars." has long been criticized 
for the sloppy techniques and sensa- 
tionalism surrounding his celebrity 
autopsies, but last month he went too 
far. following a coroner's study he 
made by telephone from the golf 
course of I ,A*s Hillcresl Count it Club. 
Noguchi informed reporters that Cali- 
fornia archbishop Francis O'Mallev 
had died, from a combination of 
"herpes, hookers, heroin, and homo- 
sexuality" Archbishop (VM alley, who 
had not died at all. irately demanded 
that Noguchi leave his job. So. Thomas 
Noguetu is stepping down and step- 
ping out! The coroner to the stars will 
soon become "star of the coroners" in 
his upcoming ABC variety special, 
"The Thomas Noguchi Show" 

fh is will be Noguchi s first venture 
into show business, but hell be backed 
by a ga la xy of pro fessiona Is, inclu d i ng 
the (Trateful Dead, the late William 
Holden. and George Burns, Noguchi 
also appears in a comedy sketch as an 
over/ealous coroner t tying to scare up 
business in a nursing home; co-starring 
with him will be Tim Conway and Har- 
vey Korman. as the corpses who can t 
keep from laughing. But the shows 
heartstopper promises to be the "Abra- 
cadavef spot, in which Noguchi dons 
wizards garb, magically saws a dead 
woman in half, and then buries the 
pieces. * 



MEDICINE 



New Drug on 
the Loose 



V&moose, vamoose! 

IT IS AN UNASSUMING-LOOKING 
drug, A fine, gray powder in- 
distinguishable from ordinary pep- 
per, except that it doesn't make you 
sneeze when it gets in your nose. Yet its 
results are terrifying: one hit will turn a 
normal, healthy adult into a total 
sleazebag. 



24 Julv 1982 



Coovriaht©2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



Illustration, Philip Schetter 



I The drug— known on the street as 
■ "assholeo." "scum flakes*' and "sleaze 
i sneeze"— was synthesized in 1971. from 

chemicals found in the blood of a real- 
1 estate agent. The narcotic s inventor Dr. 
I Jay Weinstein* accidentally ingested a 
I triple dose of the chemical, and then, 
I suddenly "everything went black V 
( When he regained control of himself 

Weinstein discovered that, under the in- 
| fluence of the drug, he had stolen his 
| best friends girl, gotten his father fired 




Even a small dose ofasshoieo can result 
in terrible physical changes, as these 
before -at id -after pfioios reveaL 

from his job. and earned a law degree. 

Yet, despite such horrifying incidents, 
the chemical remains popular among 
young advertising executives, show- 
business personalities, car salesmen, 
and the like. The side e fleets arc clearly 
visible. Addicts will become careful and 
i tidy about their personal appearance, 
often coming to work in nothing more 
than three-piece suits. And. all the 
while, they will mumble garbled, inco- 
herent phrases, like "Your cheek is in 
the mail" or "That secret is safe with i 
me." Drug- enforcement authorities, 
who are constantly on the lookout for 
these symptoms, report that assholeo 
addiction is currently the third fastest 
increasing American health problem, 
after VD and Pac-Man Fever. ■ 



BOXES AND AMUSEMENT 



Humoring 
the Soviets 



Is it bigger than a Red box? 
Not likely 

IN 1956. DURING N1K1TA KHRUSH- 
chev's historic visit to the United 
States, President Eisenhower pre- 
sented the Soviet premier with a piece 
of American folk humor that he had 
purchased in a gag shop. It was a small 
cardboard box labeled SOML-TMING 
FOR THE BALDING MAN ... ; inside was a 
pocket comb with all the teeth removed. 
Khrushchev roared with laughter at the 

(CONTINUED ON PAGE 11) 




□ OCTOBER 1972 -Remem- 
ber Those Fabulous Six- 
ties? 

□ DECEMBER 1972 Easter 
G MAY 1973 Fraud 

□ SEPTEMBER 1973 Post- 
war 

J AUGUST 1974 Isolation- 
ism and Tooth Care 

□ SEPTEMBER 1974 Old 
Age 

3 NOVEMBER 1974 Civics 
: JANUARY 1975 No Issue 
D MAY 1975; Medicine 
_J AUGUST 1975 Justice 
H SEPTEMBER 1975 Back 

to College 
J DECEMBER 1975 Money 
U APRIL 1976 Sports 
J OCTOBER 1976 The 

Funny Pages 
3 NOVEMBER 1976 Spe- 
cial Election-Year Issue 
D JANUARY 1977 Surefire 
Issue 

□ FEBRUARY 1977 Ken- 
nedy Reinaugural Issue 

□ APRIL 1977 Ripping the 
Lid Off TV 

C JUNE 1977 Careers 

□ JULY 1977 Sex 

D SEPTEMBER 1977 Grow 

Up 
J OCTOBER 1977 Beatles 

□ NOVEMBER 1977 Lite 
styles 

□ DECEMBER 1977 Christ 
mas in December 



JANUARY 1978 The Role 
of Sex in History 
FEBRUARY 1978 Spring 
Fascism Preview 
MARCH 1978 Crime and 
Punishment 

APRIL 1978 Spring Clean- 
ing 

JUNE 1978 The Wild 
West 

JULY 1978 100th Anniver- 
sary Issue 

AUGUST 1978 Todays 
Teens 

SEPTEMBER 1978 Style 
OCTOBER 1978 Enter- 
tainment 

JANUARY 1979 Depres 
sion 

MARCH 1979 Chance 
APRIL 1979 April Fool 
MAY 1979 International 
Communism and Terror- 
ism 

JUNE 1979, Kids 
JULY 1979 Sports 
AUGUST 1979 Travel 
SEPTEMBER 1979 Pot- 
pourri 

OCTOBER 1979 Comedy 
NOVEMBER 1979 Love 
DECEMBER 1979 Suc- 
cess 

JANUARY 1980 Fantasy 
FEBRUARY 1980 Tenth 
Anniversary Issue 
MARCH 1980 March 
Miscellany 



J APRIL 1980 Vengeance 

□ MAY 1980 Sex Roles 
3 JUNE 1980 Fresh Air 

□ JULY 1980 Slime Swill 
and Politics 

u AUGUST 1980 Anxiety 
_J SEPTEMBER 1980 The 
Past and How ft Got There 

□ OCTOBER 1980 Aggres- 
sion 

J NOVEMBER 1980 Pot- 
pourri 
D DECEMBER 1980 Fun 

Takes a Holiday 
_, JANUARY 1981 Excess 
U FEBRUARY 1981 Sin 
MARCH 1981 Women 
and Dogs 
U APRIL 1981 Chaos 
C MAY 1981 Naked Ambi- 
tion 
U JUNE 1981 Romance 
L JULY 1981 Endless. Mind- 

less Summer Sex 
D AUGUST 1981 Lets Get It 
Up. America! 

□ SEPTEMBER 1981 Back 
to School 

□ OCTOBER 1981 Movies 
n NOVEMBER 1981 TV 

D DECEMBER 1981 What* 

Hip? 
G JANUARY1982/Sword 

and Sorcery 

□ FEBRUARY 1982 /The 
Sexy Issue 

U MARCH 1982 /Food 

□ APRIL 1982/ Failure 



Please indicate number of copies in each appropriate box, 

NATIONAL LAMPOON 

Dept. NL 782 

635 Madison Avenue, New York, N,Y, 10022 

I enclose a total of $ All issues are $3 00 each This amount covers pur- 
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Photographs; Kate Gallagher, Globi 



National Lampoon 25 



Coovriaht©2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



National Lampoon editor Ted Mann 
can't think of a subscription ad. 




National Lampoon editor Ted Mann has a writer's 
bkx;k caused by the publishers rejection of his earlier, 
funnier sub ad. 

And now some clown has 



copped his job! 



JUMPING THAT BONEHEAD 

MANN'S JOB WAS A CINCH. ALL 

1 HAD TO DO WAS POINT OUT THAT 

NATIONAL LAMPOON SUBSCRIBERS 

SAVE $14.05 A YEAR OVER THE 
SINGLE-COPY NEWSSTAND PRICE. 




Subscribe to 

National Lampoon, 

save money, 

and never miss 

an issue. 



Mail coupon to National Utnwmm, Dept NL782, 
f>35 Madison Avenue, New York. NY. 10022. Make 
chuck or mone\ order payable to Nttrimtai 
Lampowi. 

Please eniei m\ subscription for one year ul the 

Kriceof$9.95, That'sa savings of.S2.Oo on the 
aste subscription price and a savings ofS 14.05 
on die newsstand price 

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( C O N T l N L! I- D J k O VI P A Ci K 2 5 t 

joke, the first he had ever encountered. 
Years later, at the height of the Cuban 
Missile Crisis President Kennedy sent 
Khrushchev another novelty box. this 
one labeled MERE WORDS CANNOT 
EXPRESS MY FEELINGS FOR YOU ... The 

box contained a small plastic hand, giv- 
ing "the finger/ JFK's message was 
firm, even harsh, but the line, store- 
bo tight joke helped ease tensions con- 
siderably. Khrushchev was able to 
laugh of? the whole crisis, and the next 
dav he removed the missiles from 
Cuba. 

Since that time, the gag-shop novellv 
box has become Russia's leading 
source of humor. Every night, millions 
of Soviet citizens spend their Leisure 
hours merrily opening and closing their 
America n-m ad e boxes, purchased at 
the cost of two months salarv. I hou- 
sands more flee the USSR each year to 
come to the United States, the" "land 




The sleek American novelty box, left, 

and. beside it. Russia s much cruder joke. 

with a laugh in every package." These 
novelty items have also served as the 
basis for Russia's top-rated comedy 
hour, "What Is in the Box?*" Every 
month, the shows host, popular Soviet 
comic "Sneezy" Pudvosnkm, reads the 
labels on five boxes, displays the con- 
tents, and then explains the jokes to his 
viewers. 

While the Russians' enjoyment of 
these funny boxes shows no sign of end- 
ing, their dependence on the U.S. Ibr 
the novelty items does. After two 
decades of "research and development, 
the Soviets have come up with a joke o( 
their own. It is a forty-pound cubic box, 
made of sheet tin. measuring two feet 
on a side: on its lid is stenciled in here 

YOU WILL BE FINDING A THING WHICH 
IS RESEMBLING YOU TOO MUCH. Inside 

the box is a dead rat. The joke has 
already been ruled bv the Soviet Presid- 
ium as the "funniest joke ever"* ■ 



Edited bv 
1 by T. C.^Sean Kelly. 



Tod Carroll. Contributions 

Mike Reiss. Al 

Jean, and Ed Subitzky. 



J 




Coovriaht © 2007 National Lamooon 







Ww 



Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined 
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. 






Coovriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



OK: 16 mg. 'W\ 12 mg. nicotine; Kings: 17 mg. "tar", 

3 mg, nicotine; 100's: 20 mg, "tar", IB mg, nicotine 

av. per cigarette, FTC Report December 1981. 




*Aftera 
ifsmolung isn't apleasun 
tuny bother? 



CoDvriaht©2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



'3 l i)lb i" l Jiiit jlfes 



MY ANALYST 



ISA STRICT FREUDIAN. 

f JF YOU DON'T START TO MAKE ' 

ANY PROGRESS, HE FORCES 

YOUTOREUPHOLSTER 

HJS COVCH. 




v 



THEN, HOW'S THIS? ETERNAL 

TORMENT WOULDN'T BE SO BAD IF YOU 

HAD ONE OF THOSE BIG-SCREEN TV'S . I GUESS 

fm NEUROSES COME FROM MY EARLY EDUCATION - 

TOOK THE FRANZ KAFKA ASSERTIVENESS TRAINING 

COURSE. I'VE SPENT MUCH OF MY LIFE IN A QUEST 

FOR COSMIC UNDERSTANDING, BUT I'D SETTLE 

FOR SOME RYE BREAD THAT DIDN'T HAVE 

THOSE LITTLE SEEDS THAT GET IN 

YOUR TEETH. 







GOSH, I'M X 
STILL NOT SURE.) / 



^L 





. jk 



- s 




V 





>%J 







30 July 1982 



Coovriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



Fun Tales 



< t O \ I I S U L D I K VI \> A G L. I K I 

wiih all the punches IVe taken, some- 
times I dont even know who 1 am! 1 
Cackling uncontrollably now Aii con- 
fided. "1 gots brain damage real bad." 

WOMEN'S BASKETBALL STAR NANCY 
Liebennan and reigning tenuis queen 
and Czech defector Martina Nav- 
raiilova recently decided to share a 
house together, "to cut living expenses!* 
When queried as to how the arrange- 
ment was working out. the doughty Ms. 
Liebennan replied. "Very well. Oh. we 
have our little girlish squabbles. I guess 
you could say its an on-and- off type of 
thing," "Da." rejoined Marvelous Mar- 
tina, with a twinkle in her formerly tat 
eves. *Tm on her and off her all night 



\l I'lvR LONG TOIL IN THE SO-CALLED 
fried-chicken circuit of the old Negro 
leagues, erstwhile duskv lire bailer 
Satchel Paige finally got his shot in the 
majors. When asked by an earnest 
young reporter about the difference be- 
tween the two. of Sateh thought for a 
second before proudly responding. 
"Here I get lotso white pussy' 

Sateh could never be found at a loss 
for words. Once, his fun-loving redneck 
teammates decided to rib the man they 
affectionately referred to as "that old 
nigger* Since by law the lovable Sateh 
was forced to room alone, the wise- 
cracking darky s teammates had no dif- 
ficulty sncakiui> into his quarters and 
placing a one-nund red -pound sword - 
lish in the middle of his bed while Mr. 
Paige was busy making his nightly run 
for codeine and malt liquor at the' local 
pharmacy They laughed with glee as 
the delightful of Sateh a in bled in and 
snorted playfully "It smells like a big 
cunt in here!* 

CHARLES "CHUCKLES" MANSON. THE 
justly famed psychotic killer was once 
asked to play 'so ft ball for the local 
prison team. "Manson proved a most 
adroit fielder and possessed a rifle arm. 
but he just couldn't seem to pass muster 
when wielding the bat. His opponents 
quickly dubbed him "Easy Out." 
*C*mOri, Charlie, kill the ball" his team- 
mates importuned, as Manson strode 
into the batters box. With these words 
in mind, "'Easy" took a called strike and 
then, removing the horse hide from the 
startled catcher s glove, proceeded to 
beat the hell out of it with his Alcatraz 
Slugger. h Td have slit the fuck i if balls 
throat if 1 had a knifed revealed Man- 
son before he was gagged and cuffed 



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Jim Morrison Lives Again.... 
BURN DOWN THE NIGHT 



An Autobiographical Novel oy Craig Kee Strete 



"You and me, they are really going to 
dig us when we're dead. You can't 
hope to arrive without exile." 
—Jim Morrison 



Bum Down the Night is the fictional- 
ized story of Strete's manic journey 
with Jim Morrison ...an orJyssey 
through the steamy underworld of 
hard sex, drugs, and rock that was 
the counterculture of the American 
sixties. 

If you enjoyed Afo One Here Gets Out 
Alive, you'll love the sensational 
vision this novel provides of the world 
that Morrison dominated with his tal- 
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Night is a document of a generation 
and era that was. Peter Matthiessen 
calls Craig Strete "Brilliant, taut, 
scary, volatile, and very funny." 1 

Just Published in Quality Paperback 
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National Lampoon 31 



CoDvriaht©2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



and once more led away for an ex- 
tended period of solitary confinement. 

WHEN NOLAN RYAN WAS PLAYING 
Triple-A ball, the overpowering but er- 
ratic southpaw roomed with a fellow 
pitcher who also experienced control 
problems. Both men had extreme diffi- 
culty in getting their fiery missiles across 
the plate. One day their pitching coach. 
"Suds" Lonigan. ambled over and 
asked if the two were still virgins. The 
flustered duo shuffled their feet and 
mumbled their "no'V "Well, for Christ's 
sake." asked the exasperated adviser, 
"how many tries did it take before you 
got it in her hole?" 

LARGE AND UGLY HEAVYWEIGHT 

boxer Earnie Shavers regaled listeners 
with personal anecdotes at a press con- 
ference after he had demolished an un- 
worthy opponent. "After 1 whups 
someone. 1 likes to get me a big meal." 
commented the man no one would like 
to meet in a bad neighborhood. A cub 
reporter broke up the grizzled press 
corps by asking, "Yeah? How many ba- 
nanas do you have, you big ape?" be- 
fore fleeing for his life. 

BABE RUTH, PERHAPS THE MAN FOR 

whom the phrase "conspicuous con- 



sumption 1 * was coined, had a heart al- 
most as big as that famous bloated belly 
stuffed with food. His quiet teammate 
and friend Lou "The Iron Horse" Geh- 
rig contracted a rare bone malady, and 
the Yankees staged a hearfelt tribute to 
the slugging Dutchman in their sta- 
dium. Just before the grievously ill Geh- 
rig stepped to the microphone to 
acknowledge the adulation of the vast 
throng. Babe turned to his old comrade 
and whispered, "I bet they name the 
disease after you, you little cocksucker'' 

LARRY BIRD GENTLY KIDDED ALL- 
star Julius Erving while entertaining on- 
lookers a I a Tip- ins for Tots basketball 
clinic/dinner dance at New York City's 
famed Madison Square Garden. "You 
know, Julius'* exclaimed the tousle- 
haired Indiana State alum, V T doni 
know why you even bother. I'm 
younger than you, a better shooter and 
rebounder. and the league's MVP What 
do you have that I don't?" "Doctor J." 
amused the fans in attendance by 
quipping. "How about a big black sau- 
sage twixt your legs, farm boy?'* 

GOALIE JIM CRAIG RECEIVED THE 

cheers of a nation after the 1980 Winter 
Olympic Games at Lake Placid when 
the U.S. hockey team, youthful and in- 



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experienced, took the gold, to the dis- 
may of the veteran Russian icemen. The 
plucky goaltender was noted for never 
weaiing a protective face mask during 
his stint in the net for his medal-minded 
teammates. After a brief career in the 
NHL, Craig found himself demoted to 
the Boston Bruins farm team in Erie, 
Pennsylvania, When asked why he now 
utilizes headgear, the deeply 'troubled 
net guardian replied, "Fin afraid some- 
one will recognize me" 

JIMMY PIERS ALL. A WELL-RESPECTED 

outfielder for several big-league teams, 
was also an insane pa ranoTd -schizo- 
phrenic with a violent streak as wide as 
the Grand Canyon. Shortly after a well- 
publicized incident in which the nutty 
Piersall charged into the stands after a 
heckling bleacher bum. his Chicago 
White Sox held their annual bal day. 
The manager gently chided PiersalL 
noting, " You'd better be careful out 
there, Jim bo. They came armed 
today" ¥ Tl) poke your eyes out with a 
stick/ returned the starsickie. 

DUANE BOBICK, GLASS-JAWED FOR- 
mer "Great White Hope 1 ' of boxing's 
heavyweight division, gave an inspiring 
speech to a group of youngsters suffer- 
ing from muscular dystrophy. After the 
affair was over, ihe $oon-to~be-washed- 
up puncher lamented, "Why do they 
call it muscular dystrophy? These kids 
look like a bunch of wimps in wheel- 
Chan's to me? 

UNKNOWN TO MANY BASEBALL BUFFS. 
the bearded Cuban dictator Fidel Cas- 
tro was in his youth once given a try out 
as an outfielder by the old Washington 
Senators of the American League. Un- 
fortunately his student visa expired and 
the forlorn Fidel had to take the long 
bus home to Havana. When asked years 
later how world history would have 
been changed if the dubbin Cuban had 
made the team, the former manager 
quipped, "It wouldn't have changed 
anything worth a bird's pecker. The 
Yankees had the league title all sewed 
up that year." 

AN UNKNOWN. THREE-YEAR-OLD 
filly named Yojimbo George captured 
the Santa Anita Derby, one of the big- 
gest races of the year on the road to the 
roses that ends at the finish line of the 
Kentucky Derby ''Boy; that horse was a 
real 'steeper,**' commented one railbird, 
alluding to the high odds posted for the 
entry. "Yeah, she should have been 
named Phyllis George* 1 cracked an- 
other fan, alluding to the lovely female 
sportscasler's predilection for hopping 
into bed with anything that registers a 
pulse. b 



July 1982 



Coovriaht©2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



I 



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Coovriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 




34 July 1982 



CoDvriaht©2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



Illustration: Greg Tkeakston 



A Mike Seamus Sports Adventure Yarn 

#rrHERDBl 

FODRfLDSBEBS, 

OR WHEELCHAIR FURY 



^B^E 



VIN CURRAN 



HE MIKE SEAMUS SERIES OF 

sports-adventure books follows 
the travels of a private jock on the 
trail of athlete action across the 
country. Whether searching for 
corruption in the seedy, neonized 
world of boxing promotion (The 
Don King Inquiry) or checking 
out the tawdry blackmail of shy 
black superstar Hank Aaron 
(The Hall of Fame Frame-up), 
Seamus does a headfirst slide into danger that 
gives readers around the world something to 
stand up and cheer about. Stripped of the Gold 
Jock of the Federal Bureau of Sports In- 
vestigation, Seamus fights a lonely battle for 
truth in a little game called Life, where the big 
leagues mean big bucks and honesty is often as 
hard to find as a library in a locker room. From 
Russian submarines to rushing leaders of the 
NFL, the world of Mike Seamus offers no time- 
out from action. 




"THE HANDY KAPPAS WELCOME THE 
Handicapped" read one of the banners 
painted by the friendly girls of a local 
sorority at the College of Las Vegas. 
The driver of the Limo squeezed by an 
aging Ford Granada with Oklahoma 
plates that contained a numb late-for- 
ties couple and three screaming kids* 
and pulled to the front of fabulous Cae- 
sars Palace, where Princess Caroline of 
Monaco and Mike Seamus exited from 
their air-conditioned oasis into a stag- 
gering blast of mid-August desert air. 
Seamus usually didn't like protection 
assignments, but the holes in his Nikes 
and the bills in the desk drawer con- 
vinced him that this was one he couldn't 
turn down. The last case hadn't paid 
enough to darn a jockstrap, and there 
was an ex-figure-skating queen who'd 
buried her blades in him a while back in 
a contest that had eventually ended up 
as a loss in the marriage division, She 
looked in the mailbox for monthly 
checks the way a guy 3 and at the 
plate looks for the hard one down the 
middle. He couldn't afford another 
charity exhibition at the moment. 

Besides acting as official escort for 
the gum-snapping princess at the 
Monte Carlo Circus of the Animals Sa- 
lute to Handicapped Athletes, Seamus 
served as unofficial bodyguard. People 
don't generally figure the throners to 
have many problems other than what 
servant to let go for no reason. Sure, you 
don't have to worry about chipping a 
dish or making a car payment as much 
as the rest of the world, but there's more 
to it than cotillions and killing time. A 



illustration; Steven Max Singer 



National Lampoon 35 



CoDvriaht©2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



lot of crazies want a piece of you. and 
that's enough to send a chill running up 

and down anyone's scepter. 

His close connections to the royal 
family of Monaco made Seamus a log- 
ical choice. Seamus first ran into Prin- 
cess Grace back in the days when he 
was tearing up the turf as a fullback for 
the Beverly Hills Blue Diamonds. She 
was breaking hearts all over America as 
Grace Kelly a touch of cool aristocracy 
in the mud puddle of morals called Tin- 
seltown, whose bedroom shenanigans 
made locker-room material look like a 
spinster's knitting class in the church 
basement. They'd huddled awhile 
when Seamus was an extra on the set of 
Dial M for Murder and had called a 
few plays together afterward. Grace 
loved the colorful prancing outsized an- 
imals and the sober-minded pedantic 
audio- animatronic Lincoln during their 
adventures at Disneyland, tk La. how 
ray," she would pronounce of Orange 
County's gift to friends 'round the 
world as she gripped the twin poles of 
the * Electricity —Nature's Cure-all*' dis- 
play in the arcade, causing her eyes to 
flutter rapidly and her breath to deepen 
as the unnatural surge of current 
coursed through her hands until the 
point where she suffered a satisfying 
temporary blackout, 

Smce tfien they'd crossed paths a few 
times on the diamonds-ana- tennis cir- 
cuit, sharing a Campari or two with 
Bjorn or Vitas or Chris, while her 
charming husband, dapper Prince 
Rainier, pulled down his sun visor and 
snoozed in the sprightly wicker ham- 
mock so oddly beloved of the largely in- 
bred (though always well-tailored) 



royal House of Grimaldi. 

Caroline, as well as being favored by 
her mother's fair looks, inherited her 
mother's sense of adventure. As a child 
she was said to delight in carefully 
forming foot-high whipped-cream bun- 
nies and leaving them all over the 
house, clapping her hands with glee as a 
servant stopped and cursed when com- 
ing upon a foamy friend on chair or 
sofa. The dissolution of her marriage to 
noted international scumball Philippe 
Junot was said to have hardened some- 
thing within the girl. It was rumored 
that she had become fond of filling 
trunks full of bricks and ordering the 
servants, "Carry them until you drop'' 
And of regularly booby-trapping the 
sleeping quarters of the ladies-in- wait- 
ing. When Seamus forthrightly asked 
her about this, he was pleased to learn 
that, as often as not, these delightfully 
constructed devices would release a 
sprig of flowers or a favorite box of 
chocolates instead of the standard loud 
screaming siren or tubful of old bath- 
water. "It depends on my mood!' gig- 
gled Caroline. 

AT THE COCKTAIL PARTY THAT EVE- 

ning, all the guests arrived in Mercedes 
wheelchairs, to simulate what life 
would be like in the numb-leg circuit, 
and most checked these at the door. It 
certainly did seem like a bad deaf so 
when Caroline said, "If I were a cripple, 
I think Pd puke, or maybe just sit in my 
room— I mean, gross!" Seamus couldn't 
disagree. 

Caroline was fond of most things 
that involved a party a laugh, or a joke, 
and this was no exception. Funnyman 




Buddy Hackett thrilled the jaded group 

by whirling around in circles in his 
wheelchair, just to stir the ice in his 
drink. Cher arrived in a gown bedecked 
with dozens of tiny whistling sponge gi- 
raffes, to the delight of some and the 
chagrin of others. Senator Hayakawa 
of California curled up by the fireside 
and delighted onlookers by giving a 
cheery recitation, move by move, of a 
game of Battleship he had played with 
his seven-year-old nephew a while 
back. 

At six three, Seamus could easily see 
over the fast-drinking crowd to the bald- 
ing pate of pal Terry Braclshaw Pitts- 
burgh Steelers quarterback, who looked 
more uneasy holding a drink and 
dressed up in a monkey suit than if he'd 
just found out that his offensive line for 
the next year was to be composed of 
miniature' Shetland ponies. He found 
himself cornered, by a society matron 
with blue tinted hair, against a window 
where the fading desert sunset could be 
seen competing against the bursts of 
thousands of dazzling electric lights for 
the crowd's attention. Soon the sun 
would exhaust itself and give the tag to 
its weak sister, the moon, who didn't be- 
long in the same arena for this type of 
action. 

Seamus had done some work for the 
Steelers organization a few years ago. 
Following a 38-to-7 drubbing of the 
pathetic Bert Jones-less Baltimore 
Colts, an altercation had broken out be- 
tween four Steelers and members of a 
marching band from Allegheny State. 
Tire frisky Steelers, in the words of the 
deposition, 

{a) committed assault against several 
members of the tuba, trombone, and other 
brass-section players by removing their 
chin straps and forcing their funny furry 
hats over their eyes, proceding to label them 
"shit heads" and "marching fucks." then 
spinning them around indiscriminately so 
that they would weave and crash into one 
another, and 

(b) did shame and humiliate several col- 
umns of pom-pom girls, who never asked to 
be born into this world in the first place, 
through wholesale pawing of perky breast 
and buttock. 

The case had never come to court. 
The judge, a Steelers ticketholder him- 
self, realized that society had been done 
no serious harm, when Seamus came to 
him with several incriminating taped 
conversations between His Honor and 
his twenty-one-year-old mistress, a girl 
of good family attending a local stew- 
ardess institute. It didn't leave you with 
a great feeling inside, but that's pro biz, 
and if you wanted to play in the big 
leagues, you had to know the score 
from yard one. Or else you might as 

(CONTINUED ON PAGE 42) 



36 July 1982 



CoDvriaht©2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



BATTING TIPS 




i 



EDITOR'S NOTE: Steve wrote this article before the Good Ship Carver ventured into the more 
perilous reaches of the matrimonial seas. We're sure sorry about it and all Steve, and heck, 
life must be tough without Cindy, hut we do have a magazine to put out, and we cotddn 't find 
anyone who could pimh-hit for you. Maybe you can he your own best coach and pick up a Jew 
pointers here yourself And if you ever want to come by the office, well, we can go out to a bar 
(theres a nice Japanese one close by), knock a few down, and talk things oven maybe try to 
help you get your life back in order. Okay Slugger? Way to go, 

Garvev sure bats a thousand with the 



HI, TEAMMATES. 

Guys around the bk leagues always 
used to ask me how I did it. "Steve," kids 
"Mr. Jiver Mickey Rivers, "you've got 
more chicks hanging onto you than the 
Yankees got jockstraps!" "You might be 
an all-star in the majors, but you've still 
got a lot going in the hush leagues!* 
chortles Willie "Steel City" Stargell. 
nudging me painfully in the ribs, "That 



ladies' cackles the of perfesser himself, 
Casey Stengel, when contacted by 
Ouija board. 

I m not the kind of guy who likes to 
poke and tell but itfs all true. And how. 
Although now Vm the most happily 
married first baseman on the field, I still 
remember a few tricks from the old 
days that Tm more than willing to pass 
on to see that you fans get out of the 
dugout and up there taking your swings 
at the plate. 

Sex is a lot like baseball. There are 
winners and there are losers. You can 
"strike out" at either, or knock one out 
of the park. Your "signals" can "get 
crossed.' or you can get the "go-aheadr 



When Cheryl and I dated, she used to love 

to dress up in my uniform, pretend she was 

"Catfish" Hunter, and try to strike me out 

by lobbing jelly beans underhanded as I 

stood on the bed. You can guess what 1 

used for a bat. 



Illustrations: Gary Hatl^ren • Htuirt iUusttwionsi Steven Ma\ Singe 



National Lampoon 37 



CoDvriaht©2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



Iii one arena you can earn the praise 
and envy of thousands, in the other you 
can stick your dork into a warm crack 
or cream all over her face. The list of 
similarities is endless. 

A Viennese old-timer by the name of 
"Doc" Sigmund Freud once asked. 
"What do women want?' 1 Well. 1 can 
answer that. They want Steve Garvey, 
But, if you practice my moves, you can 
start to* feel that special Steve Garvey 
power and maybe if you stop slouching 
and cut your hair right, you can look 
more like me, too. And that could make 
all the difference in the world between a 
bunt single (knee- fond ling road rats 
who look like Tommy Lasorda) and a 
Ballantine blast into the upper deck 
(hardball sexing with Miss Cute Fox, 
who can't get enough of your auto- 
graphed Louisville Slugger). 



B 



OUTSIDE THE LOCKER ROOM, ITS GIRL 
City, They're everywhere— in the stands, 
outside the stadium gates, in the press 
box. even hanging off the team bus. 
breasts a-bobbing and eyes afire. Often 
you will find them completely outside 
of organized baseball. 



F 



FOR ME, MEETING THE GASH USED TO 
be more frightening than being repre- 
sented by a tegal-aid lawyer at contract- 
negotiation time, I'd spy some red-hot 
Most Valuable Pussy prospect and 
really "muff" my chance for action, 
making a lot of boneheaded plays; you 
know the dumb stuff all rookie Cookie 
seekers mess up on— striking her out on 
three pitches on the first date, taunting 
her that she'd never learn to hit a curve 
ball, or laughing out loud because she 
threw like a girl. 1 was like some knock- 
kneed nobody sweating it trying to get 
the tying run home from third. Finally 
one little girl had the courage to say, 
"Steve, I wish we didn't have to play 
baseball on all our dates." That really 
knocked me into the dirt. Sure, I got 
mad at first and maybe slid in to her at 
second with my spikes a bit high, but 
after I picked her up off the ground and 
dusted her off. I mi to thinking about 
what she had said. You know: there's a 
whole other world besides baseball. The 
very next week, I took the dish to a soft- 
ball game, and we had a really great 
time. I still got to wear my uniform to 



the game, and we laughed more than 
we ever had at how bad all the players 
were compared to me. Next thing you 
know, we were going to all different 
types of sporting events, and even took 
in a boat show or two. A little consid- 
eration can go a long way: treat a gal 
like you would your favorite glove— oil 
her regularly, and don't leave" her out- 
side in the rain. 



s 



WELL, SLUGGER, YOU'VE MADE CON- 

tact and you're on your way. The girl 
you've selected swears okay and you're 
in the owner's box. Where do you go 
from here? Get to know the dumpling 
you're dating a little better. Ask her 
thoughtful, sincere questions, like if she 
has a middle name, and invite her to 
guess yours. Next I'd talk a little bit 
more about myself my batting average 
over the last few years, the different leg- 
islation I'll introduce when I'm elected 
U.S. senator from California, how 
many Little Leaguers I'd like to see flip- 



ping cards around the house. Then I'd 
take my stance and plant a high hard 
one right on those moist luscious lips. 

I have a pretty good sense of humor 
and use it to get a not number laughing 
with me. Some "can't miss" ways of 
amusing an up-and-comer include un- 
expectedly throwing large objects, get- 
ting into impromptu towel fights, 
dousing her over the head with a bucket 
of water, and (if you really like her) rub- 
bing Atomic Balm all over her bra and 
panties. 

Even now that I've settled down, I 
still love to horse around with my lovely 
wife, Cindy. Last week, to my complete 
surprise, my dutiful spouse prepared a 
lavish, six-course, spicy Chinese meal. 
"Hey. Cin, what is this crap?" I asked 
with a merry twinkle in my eye as 1 
plunked down my laundry on the table 
top. I then proceeded to enact a really 
cool imitation of a drunk Chinaman 
who keeps spilling all the food all over 
himself. The fact that two of our dinner 
guests were themselves Chinese added 
to the fun. Cindy laughed so hard she 
actually cried. All night long, in fact. 

So keep it loose and lively and those 
makeout sessions should quickly head 
into extra innings. 



Keep your eye steady and just get a piece of her. Blasting a girl 400 feet Into the upper deck 
can't happen every time you come to the plate... 








38 Jul\ 1982 



CoDvriaht©2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



T 



WHEN HE'S BEEN TONGUING TOUGH 

and has worked up a meaningful rela- 
tionship with Miss Cutie Pie's Left 
breast, a guy's mind turns to business. 
Are some runs going to be scored or is 
this another goose egg for your side? Is 
she going to fly out or put out? Your of 
hickory is doing the seventh-inning 
stretch about now and he'd like the an- 
swer pretty darn soon, 

It's time to put on a good perfor- 
mance here, and show a little fast talk 
coupled with quick moves. Remember. 
you re playing on her home field and 
you've got to make sure she's in your 
rooting section. Butter her up "like 
doomsday; here are some of my all- 
time favorites: 

"Do you know what you and a Big 
Mac have in common? Nice buns! ' 

"With breasts Like those, why do you 
ever wear a blouse?" 

"You sweat a lot less than Reggie 
Jackson. I was standing next to nim 



once and, boy let me tell you, the man 
smells foul r 

"Those ruby reds were made for 
blowjobsP 

Of course, before you make the big 
move, you have been fast-pitching ii- 
auor down her throat for a while. A 
drunk babe is a happy babe, whether it's 
Babe Ruth or some bozette you've 
snagged at the five-and-dime. It loosens 
up their spirits and loosens up their 
bodies, so you'll be sure nothing gets 
stuck up there. Remember, as Harmon 
KiHebrew, the clown prince of baseball, 
once wrote: 

For a real good time, give her a drink 

The night will be lovely, moist, and 
pink 

Now that she's asking for it, it's time 
to practice your technique. Grip her as 
if you were about to throw a slider, two 
fingers across the seams, wrist loose, 
ana save a special snap for the last 
moment. 

Before you get any further into the 
inning, make sure all bases are covered. 
Only a minor leaguer would go in to 
this situation disregarding safety and I 
dorit mean a face mask and chest pro- 
tector. Be sure to ask, as sensitively as 
possible, about whether or not she' has 



...But this time I got good wood on her and she sailed 440 feet to left center. 





any communicable diseases. Birth con- 
trol should be the responsibility of both 
parties— you to ask about it, her to take 
those pills regularly. Anything mechani- 
cal up there, like a coil or a sprocket, 
usually spells trouble, at least for this fu- 
ture Hall of Famer. There^s just no tell- 
ing where it's been. The cagey veteran 
always completes his scorecard with 
two or three "rubber teammates" in the 
walletjustincase. 



s 



SO FAR T SO GOOD, AND YOU'RE HEAD- 
ing for home. But first take a moment to 
trunk about what you're doing. If she's 
the average girt that you've been sling- 
ing the bull to till bone time, then hats 
off, champ; now get right in there and 
start waving your bat around. But what 
if this is someone special, the girl of 
your dreams, that one- in-a- million all- 
star heartthrob that can take you all the 
way. down the stretch, year after year? 
Well, then Pd advise a quick "time' out" 
for a conference on the mound. 

Pd like to eet a little personal here if I 
may. When T met Cindy at the Home 
Run Burger, I knew she was the one for 
me. Fifteen minutes later, with her pan- 
ties down around Iter ankles and me 
about to step out ot my cleats, a rush 
came over me like Pd just been beaned 
in the head by a Nolan Ryan fastball. I 
grunted with" all the manly courage 1 
could, "Cindy, 1 can't. 1 mean, 1 
couldn't. 1 just respect you too darn 
much." Cindy understood almost at 
once. Her anguished animal pleas of 
"Steve, fuck me. fuck me, just fuck me, 
okay? Oh, fuck me, damn it t fuck meT 
went on for a few minutes, but after Pd 
snapped the last button back on her 
waitress outfit, 1 saw an odd glint in her 
eye that I took for pride. 1 feel the same 
way now that we're married, respecting 
and caring for her so much that some- 
times I won't touch her for days, or even 
weeks, during the season. And I reckon 
that's what true love is all about. 

Best wishes in getting wood on it. 
Lean) to handle the curves they throw 
you: watch out for the occasional 
screwball: and when you get your pitch, 
slam it out of sight. And don't forget, 
that real home-run feeling is spelled 
L-O-V-E. Love's a give-and-take kind of 
thing that you have to practice a lot. 
Last night, for example, Cindy dragged 
me along to see The 'Sting for the fifth 
time. She just goes crazy over the music. 
Hey what's a guy to do? 

See you on the field. 

National Lampoon 39 



s^€6»*c 



CoDvriaht©2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



LOOK WHO'S IN THE 






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No, 1 album with smash Top 
10 Juke Box Hero: Waiting 
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Yes, just take a look at the superstars and 
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TAKE YOUR PICK 



Note: All applications are subject lo review; Columbia 
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You will always have at least 10 days to make 
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t am enclosing check or money order for $1.86 (that's 1C for my 11 
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accept my application under the terms outlined in this advertisement 
I agree to buy 8 more tapes or records (at regular Club prices) in the 
next 3 years—and may cancel membership anytime after doing so. 



Write In numbers 
of 11 selections 

























Send my selections In this type ol recording (cheek one): 

D 8-Track Cartridges a Cassettes D Reel Tapes □ Records 

My main musical Interest Is (check one): K 59/ B J 

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□ Country 5 (no reel tapes) □ Jazz 4 (no reel tapes) 

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I then need buy only 7 more selections (at 
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KG2/7.I- 



K61 /AF 



K63/ZF 



Coovriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



FLUSHERS 



(CONTINUED ON PAGE 36} 

well get off the field and hoof it up to 
Section 57, with the pretzel and pop- 
corn crowd, trading in a duffel bag full 
of sweats for a briefcase full of bore- 
dom. Seamus had seen too many 
people he knew go that route, track star 
to tract house, and they'd started hitting 
the liniment bottle quicker than Sugar 
Ray Leonard would jab the head of a 
yahoo in a barroom who'd made light 
of the champ's mother. 

The matron declared, "It must be di- 
vine to pitch for foot ba IF as Seamus 
sidled over and accidentally overturned 
a drink on her head, to rescue his friend. 
Her eyes bored into him like a mad coy- 
ote's at night, making Seamus shrug and 
flick a sizable ash in her hair. 

There was something odd about the 
sleek blond model that Jerry Lewis was 
chatting up. The Nutty Partygoer 
seemed to like her looks * and tried to 
amuse by clapping his hands together 
in the manner of the tiny toy ape with 
cymbals on its paws. She gave him a 
look you'd give a fish that'd jumped out 
of the aquarium and flopped onto your 
bed, looking for some action. 

Mean Joe Greene swaggered into the 
room and spilled Paul Anka's drink by 
looking near it. Any tiling short of a So- 
viet tank squad had better not mess 
with him. and even they should lay off 
the liquid potato poison for a while be- 
fore giving it their shot. 

You won't read about it in People, but 
rumor had it a few seasons ago that 
Greene and Princess Caroline were 
something of an item for a few days 



while she "did" Pittsburgh for some 
charity bowl. The star-sniffers said that 
more was talked about than the X's and 
G's of the Steelers playbook. 

Looking at them across the room, 
Seamus could tell at once that the 
rumors were unfounded. It was obvious 
the big lug had been infected with a 
heavy crush for the young girl. They 
i seemed to have as much to talk about as 
a parrot and a porcupine would, but 
> after a few bottles of champagne. Mean 
Joe tried to curry the abashed princess's 
favor by setting lip in his stance to dem- 
onstrate the moves that had made him a 
frequent drop-in guest at quarterbacks' 
rib cages across the league. Lunging 
wildly, he accidentally upended Paul 
Williams and deposited him headfirst 
into a bowl of seething onion dip. 
When fished out of the ehivey sub- 
stance, the pint-size composer vowed 
revenge, until he caught a glimpse of 
the hangdog look on Joe's face. Joe 
looked as embarrassed as a congress- 
| man caught sexing his secretarv on the 
Capitol steps. Seamus and Caroline ex- 
! changed glances and agreed that in- 
I viting Joe to view the circus from the 
■ royal" box could be the only solution. 
Mean Joe picked up as though given a 
strawberry Dexedrine milk-shake treat. 

j THE TORCHLIGHT PARADE OF THE 

! wheelchair athletes opened the night's 

festivities on Caesars s main stage, in a 

I large and lavish twenty-one-gun salute 

I to the glorv that was pseudo-Roman- 

| esquc architecture. For the ceremonies. 

, the spa re- no-expense management had 

added a special motif— statues of 

Rodin's The Thinker, with the marble 

1 do-nothing now seated m a rock wheel- 

I chair. Venus de Milo sported a pair of 





L?k S 




ys {lW^ 



crutches to give her support, while Eros 
affected a dandy back brace to insure 
that his aim of his arrows of love was 
true. 

Seamus and Caroline discussed the 
dignified atmosphere of the casino at 
Monte Carlo versus the frothy vulgarity 
of Las Vegas. 

*Tve never been there," stammered 
Joe Greene, sending the conversation 
down in flames quicker than an F-14 
could devastate a young child's kite. 
"Heavy trip." whispered Caroline to 
Seamus, her young breath hot in his ear. 

Colorful jackanapes eagerly cavorted 
about, and tumblers of the highest 
order displayed their brazen skills, while 
harlequins bedazzled, and silk-coated 
roustabouts lit the fireworks and 
smashed plates on their heads. After the 
stock-bear racing and dwarf execution 
came a special handicapped acrobatic 
team. After a tumble they had to be 
placed back in their wheelchairs, and 
the human pyramid was only a man 
high, but they gave it their all and were 
rewarded with a tremendous chorus of 
lukewarm applause. The trapeze artist 
who ventured out next in his peculiar 
metal encasement should have been 
grateful for the net below; if only it had 
been a little stronger. 

The European clown Flan, all the 
rage in Brussels, followed with a routine 
so pathetic that, if not for the inter- 
jection of some third-rate miming to- 
ward the end, it could not have 
sustained even the most diehard advo- 
cate in maintaining that Europeans 
have any sense of humor. As it was. the 
large- footed clumsy albino of low 
moral character received a standing 
ovation after his closing number of 
"Woman and Small Girl Search for 
Grapefruit in a Market Near the Seine." 

Seamus momentarily left the box to 
purchase the candied apples and wacky 
T-shirts for which Caroline had caught 
a fancy. A man of striking oddness of 
expression and gait approached him 
and informed Seamus that he. the man. 
was to deliver him a message. 

"Who is the message from?" Seamus 
asked with a ready ear and a cocked fist. 
"Mister Chloroform," came the re- 
sponse, as a man from behind carrying 
the sleepy chemical in a handkerchief 
sent Seamus's world spinning. 

Up in the roval box. Mean Joe stared 
ahead at the acrobats, trying to think of 
what to say to get back in Caroline's 
good graces. The same evil substance 
soon rendered any further thought 
impossible. 

Several pairs of hands placed an un- 
conscious Caroline into an awaiting 
wheelchair and led her out of the build" 
ing and into a van parked in the Handi- 
capped Only section. To the casual 

I C O N T I N U R D ON PAGE 54) 



42 ,!ul\ 1982 



CoDvriaht©2007 National Lamooon Inc. 




I K E ' N ' A L ' S 




B R\)vl 4E F S 








m - 




Coovriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



MikeWAt's Boxing Briefs 



Boxing News of the Future 




FRAZIER-ALI IV: 

THECOMEBACKFIBHT 
OF THE CENTUM 



COLUMBUS, OHIO January 9, 1997-The box- 
ing world was literally set' upon its cauliflow- 
er ear today as Joe Frazier and Muhammad 
Ali came out of retirement for what must 
have been the millionth lime in the last 
twenty years. The two fought in a long- 
awaited rematch, the first since the legendary 
'Thriller in Manila." Yel the new bout- 
dubbed the "Rumpus in Columbus" and the 
"Crummy Fight Near Cleveland Heights" by 
media wags— seemed lacking somehow. 
Weighing in at 400 pounds, Ali was truly 
twice the man he had been in his prime. 
"Muhammad is in the best shape of lus lifer 
proclaimed Ali trainer Angelo Dundee, as he 
hurried off to place a huge bet on Frazier. 

But "Smolder in' Joe ' had also succumbed 
to the ravages of time, needing a wheelchair to 
take him in and out of the ring. ''Don't push 
me too hard. I might get killed," the ferocious 



ex-champ spunkily remarked. Yet, despite all 

the hoopla, the actual battle amounted to a 
draw: Frazier fell asleep at the sound of the 
bell, and couldn't be roused, due to a faulty 
hearing aid. Though Ali charged full speed at 
this easy target, he was unable to waddle 
across the ring and reach Joe until the end of 
the Fight, forty-five minutes later. "That 
Smokin Joe Frazier has got me enraged /If I 
don t kill him, he'll die of old age," said Ali. 

Yet the spectators were not amused, and 
reacted by hurling potentially fatal objects, 
like feathers and napkins, at the feeble fight- 
ers. This anger increased when Frazier awoke 
and, unaware that the fight had already 
started, tried to win over the crowd by singing 
'The Star-Spangled Banner." The rendition 
only proved that time could not lessen Joe's 
lack of skill as a singer. All in all. it added up 
to just one thing: zero. f 



Hall of Shame 




OF ALL 
TIME 




GEORGE MEYER 
winSp 35 losses 

A foreman in a small elec- 
tronics plant in Phoenix. 
George Meyer turned to 
boxing in late 1973, Billing 
himself as "George, Fore- 
man!' he attempted to cash 
in on the popularity of then 
heavyweight champ George 
Foreman. Unfortunately the 
fifty-two- year-old Meyer 
was no match for the hordes 
of angry fans who had been 
duped £>y his trick, much less 
the club fighters he took on. 
He suffered thirty- five 
knockouts in his'thirty-five 
fights, twenty of them result- 
ing from bottles hurled by 
disgruntled spectators. 



CoDvriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



Mike 'n v Al's Boxing Briefs 




LARRY "THE LAWYER" 

KRAVITZ 

wins, 59 losses 

A graduate of Brandeis Law 

School Larry Kravitz was a 
boxer with a gimmick: he 
would allow himself to be 
brutally pummeled during 
every match, and then sue 
his opponent for a hefty 
amount, claiming grievous 
bodily injury. Sadly; Kravitz 
was almost as bad an attor- 
ney as he was a boxer, finish- 
ing his legal career with a 
record of two wins, fifty- 
seven losses. 




JOEARNESS 
wins, 138 losses 

A promising young heavy- 
weight, Arness had his career 
interrupted when he was 
d ra ftecl d u ri ng Wo rid Wa r I L 
After he left the service, he 
returned to the ring, despite a 
severe handicap: he had lost 
both his arms in the war. 
Though he could still duck, 
bob, and weave effectively, 
"Armless" Joe Arness was 
unable to throw a single 
punch. Following a long 
string of devastating defeats, 
he changed his name to 
"Harmless" Joe Arness, and 
fought only similarly handi- 
capped boxers, among them 
"Blind" Artie Brooks and 
"Dead" Dave Torelli. 



A 




m 


i W ' 


^H 


IT/ 



DICK PIVKNSKY 
wins, 61 losses 

Tin nobody's fool but my 
owiC burly Dick Pivinsky 
would say of his canny box- 
ing strategy. Throughout his 
career, he thought he had his 
choice of which of the two 
men in the ring he should 
take on: his opponent or the 
referee. Pivinsky always 
chose the ref, who was 
smaller, unequipped for the 
match, and not expecting 
anything. He scored a long 
series of knockouts, and an 
equally long series of dis- 
qualifications once the 
referees came to. 




WILLIAM "KID" 

MORTENSON 
wins, 88 fosses 

Kid Mortenson was just 
that— a kid. At age six, the 
scrappy forty-two pounder 
was forced to become a 
middleweight boxer by his 
father, who thought it would 
"toughen the boy upr Dur- 
ing the early 1950s, one could 
gauge the kindness of a 
boxer by the amount of time 
he would wait before KO'ing 
the child. The nicest boxer 
was Carl "Bobo" Olson, who 
sparred with Mortenson for 
two rounds, and then flat- 
tened the boy one second 
into Round 3. <•' 



FOLIOS OF 
FBTIANA 

Below are excerpts from Even the Ropes Were Crooked, a 

recently published history of great boxing scandals: 



Lucky Horseshoes 



THE OLD TRICK OF HIDING A HORSESHOE IN THE GLOVE HAS 

long provided extra punching power for unscrupulous fight- 
ers. The ploy was first tried by ^Sneaky" Jim Jackson, a Civil 
War- vintage prizefighter. Unfortunately, Sneaky Jim had for- 
gotten that he was a bareknuckle boxer, and the horseshoe 
clenched in his right fist was spotted in Round I by a sharp- 
eyed ref On the other hand, the ref was not alert enough to 
detect a Colt .45 that Jim had concealed in his left fist, and 
soon both ref and opponent were down for the count. 

Later practitioners of the art included Jeff "Brain 
Damaged * Johnson, who wore a horseshoe in his glove con- 
tinuously, even while hitting sparring partners and punching 
bags. As a result, Jeffs hands were soon whittled down to two 
bloody stumps, and he was forced to seek work as a beggar. 
In modern times, six-foot-eight-inch Primo Camera was able 
to stuff into his outsized glove not only a horseshoe but a 
horse, winning him the world championship and a summons 
from the SPCA as well. And recent Swedish champ Ingemar 
Johansson has been known to stuff his own wooden shoe into 
his glove during fights, explaining, "1 figure a Norse shoe is as 
good as a horseshoe,*' When caught, Johansson and the others 
have all been given boxing establishment's strictest punish- 
ment: nothing. 



4^ 



c 6- 



I A. 




¥ 




i. 


bazooka 


\ 2. 


napalm 


tt 3. 


flamethrower 


m 4< 


baseball bat 


W s - 


brick 


v 6 * 


horseshoe 


7 7. 


brass knuckles 


8. 


stiletto knife 



A smart fighter always makes sure to pack a little something extra 
In his glove. 



CoDvriaht©2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



Mike'n' Al's Boxing Briefs 



Diving Bored 



IT IS CERTAINLY NOT UNCOMMON FOR A FIGHTER TO "TAKE A 
dive" and throw a match. But few people remember the time 
that both fighters in a match agreed to take a dive, splashing 
mud all over the fair name of boxing itself. 

In the fight between Jake " Unscrupulous" Johnson (rec- 
ord: W 100 L) and "Rotten" Ray Roberts (1 W 50 L) each 
pugilist entered the ring with a reputation for being the 
crookedest fighter in the business. And. unbeknownst to the 
other, each had been paid by a rival gambling mob to drop 
the fight. So it was not surprising that Round I opened 
bi/arrely. with both fighters charging out of their corners, 
holding up their arms, and crying. "I give up— you win!" But 
this proved futile. Like the trooper he was, each man 
staunchly refused to be declared the winner. 

Finally, after several hesitant moments, the fighters began 
trying to egg each other on. in hopes of drawing a blow; "You 
suck!" "Hit me, chicken!" "You're even eroookeder than me. 
asshole!*' But nothing could swerve the two from their mon- 
umental dedication to corruption. By Round 6, each man had 
bribed the judges to put the other ahead on points. In Round 
7, after leafing through the rule book. Johnson held up a 
white Hag, played taps, and placed a tombstone labeled 
"R.I.ir on top of his head, in hopes that Roberts would rec- 
ognize the universal signs of surrender. 

But it was to no avail. Refusing to give up his attempt to 
give up the fight. Roberts began to resort to trickery: he 
hurled his face onto Johnson's glove, and then lay on the mat, 
pretending to be knocked out by the blow Undaunted. John- 
son countered by crawling under Roberts's body, pouring cat- 
sup on his glove' and crying, u TKO! TKO! Your chin just cut 
open my fist!" But these tricks could not fool the referee, 
who, incidentally, had been paid oflf by yet a third gambling 
ring to make the fight end in a draw. When the ref pulled the 
boxers up and admonished them to get into a fight or take 
off, the two pugilists ran into the arena, daring the fans to 
punch them out. li was a suggestion that the disgruntled 
crowd— consisting entirely of mobsters with an interest in the 
bout- was only too happy to comply with. Both fighters were 
speedily beaten till they died, smiling as proudly as champi- 
ons as they sank at last into defeat. Bui the last laugh was on 
them, for the ref happily declared the match a draw, and 
walked off with all the money. Truly, there were giants in 
those days. * 






^ilL 



M 



CURREWT odd 5 

Roberts s-\ 












i ■ 





Kitty Kelley insists that illustrations for her book are unretouched. 

NO MORE 
SAINT LOUIS 



Careful observers have discovered the fight 
was fixed. 



I-nW BOXERS ARF! AS 
greatly respected and ad- 
mired for their lives inside 
and outside of the ring as Joe 
Louis. But was Joe a hard- 
hitting, humble hero— or just 
a fat. frightened fink? The 
latier is the portrait of the 
champ presented by Kitty 
Kelley in her new trash- bio\ 
Joe Louis: The Brown 
Bummer: 

The book is jam-packed 
with disturbing insights and 



horrifying revelations about 
Louis, most of which fly in 
the face of popular myth 
and documented fact. As to 
her sources. Kelley remains 
secretive: her bibliography 
reads simply. "None of your 
beeswax. Miss Nosey 
Parker." And when con- 
fronted by Louis's relatives, 
demand she substantiation 
for her claims, she replied. 
"Heck. I can write whatever 
1 want, can t I? 1 mean, hes 



Coovriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



Mike WArs Boxing Briefs 



dead. Isn't he?' 1 Below, some 
excerpts from the book: 

"How does a sniveling 
coward like Joe Louis be- 
come a boxing champ? By 
feigning homosexuality to 
avoid military service, while 
all self-respecting men went 
off to war. When the cream 
of American manhood took 
on Adolf 'Sonny' Hitler and 
'Rocky' Mussolini in the real 
fight of the century, Louis 
managed to skulk off with 
the heavyweight crown. 
Sure, he defended his title 
twenty-five times, but 
against whom? Old ladies, 
like Ethel Barry more and 
Alice Roosevelt Longworth. 
And children. And little 
dogs..." 

"One could not deny that 
Joe Louis was a true heavy- 
weight: in his prime, he 
tipped the scales at six hun- 
dred pounds, all blubber. 
Between 1939 and 1945, he 
never once stopped eating, 
not for a minute. Even in the 
ring, he would munch on a 
rack of barbecued ribs, and 
then poke out his opponents' 
eyes with the bones. And 
there is little doubt today 
that those were human ribs 
he was eating. Perhaps the 
only thing bigger than Joe 
Louis himself was his ego- 
he never answered to any- 
thing other than Joe Cool or 
King Louis X VI L.r 

"Louis was the picture of 
confidence whenever he set 
foot in the ring. And why 
not? He was always heavily 
armed, with hand grenades 
concealed in his gloves and a 
submachine gun tucked in- 
side his trunks. Dozens of 
potential champions were 
gunned down or blown up 
during fights with this 
monster. However, Louis's 
ultimate act of cowardice oc- 
curred in his fighl against a 
particularly intimidating foe. 
Rather than confront the 
contender face to face, Louis 
flew into the ring in a Mes- 
serschmitt (borrowed from 
his friends in the Third 
Reich) and dropped buzz 
bombs on his hapless oppo- 
nent. From then on, Joe 
Louis had a new and well- 
deserved nickname: the 
Brown Bomber, . " * 



THE INFAMOUS 
"LONG COUNT" 




CHICAGO, 1927, Heavyweight champion Jack 
Dempsey steps into the ring to defend his title 
against 'Tiger" O'Hazo. This is the first fight 
for O'Hazo, an eighty-one-year-old great- 
grandmother managed by Chicago mobster 
Tony "Clams" Casino. While Casino admits 
that his fighter is rather weak on offense and 
defense, he adds, "Mamma mia, can thai old 
broad cook" Betting on the match is heavy, 
with odds favoring Dempsey, 1,500 to I. 
When Casino tells the press that Tiger 
O'Hazo will be fighting gloveless and blind- 
folded "just to keep things interesting," the 
odds against the old woman soar to 10,000 to 
I. Casino maintains his faith in O'Hazo, and 
bets every thing he owns— six houses, a string 
of racehorses, and the Chicago City Coun- 
cil—on her. 

Round L The walk from her corner to the 
center of the ring is too much for the aged 
O'Hazo, and she hits the canvas before 
Dempsey can lay a glove on her. Referee 
Barry Davis begins his count: "One, two..'' 
Tony Casino steps into the ring and whispers 
to Davis while poking him threateningly with 
what witnesses believe was a bayonet 
(Casino claims it was his finger). Shaken, the 
ref slows his count to one digit an hour, while 
Casino's physicians try to revive O'Hazo. 



Next morning. Referee Davis has reached 
the count of eight. O'Hazo has been whisked 
off to Marymount Hospital, where she lies in 
a coma. Dempsey and the crowd begin to 
suspect an infraction of the rules but are held 
in check by Casino's army of goons. Casino 
decides to have another talk with the referee, 
whom he believes is counting a bit too 
quickly. For emphasis. Casino again pokes 
Davis In the chest with his "lingeif this time 
drawing blood. The referee agrees to slow 
things down by counting to ten, backward 
from one million. 

Three weeks later. Tiger O'Hazo regains 
consciousness and is raced back to the arena 
where the light began. Tonv Casino person- 
ally wheels the old woman in to the ring and 
props her up. Referee Davis stops the count- 
down at 321.680. and then turns to Jack 
Dempsey. who collapsed in his corner some 
days before from lack of food and sleep. 
Davis begins another ten count (by fives, at 
Casino's insistence), and declares Dempsey 
out two seconds later. Octogenarian Tiger 
O'Hazo wins the world heavyweight cham- 
pionship on her first fight, by KO'ing Jack 
Dempsey three weeks into Round I. 

Most 'sports historians now believe the 
fighl was fixed. t 



Coovriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



Mike V Al f s Boxing Briefs 



THE STUPID 
HEAVYWEIGHTS' 
COMPUTERIZED 
BATTLE OF BRAINS 



"A GOOD BOXER IS A MAN 

with a heavyweight body, a 
flyweight intellect, and a 
paperweight for a brain," 
George Plimpton once 
quipped to an aging Joe 
Louis. After someone ex- 
plained the barb to Louis, he 
handled it like a real cham- 
pion, by punimeling Plimp- 
ton ruthlessly for an hour. 
But the question remained: 
Are professional fighters as 
stupid as they look, act, talk. 



ogy ("Plastic is a kind of dog. 
T or Fr). The MIT student 
then developed a computer 
program that could simulate 
the strain and punishment 
these five boxers would un- 
dergo while taking such a 
test. Ciccarelli was now 
ready to pair off the boxers 
for his Computer-Simulated 
Stupid Boxers' Battle of 
Wits. It was decided that 
Primo Camera would be 
testing against Joe Frazier. 




Camera vs. Frazier 



and seem to everyone in the 
world? 

The question was taken 
up by Vince Ciccarelli, an 
e n te r p rising co m p u t e r 
jockey from MIT. The stu- 
dent fa} biographical data 
on every heavyweight box- 
ing champion from John L, 
Sullivan to Larry Holmes 
into a Vacuform-2000 com- 
puter to determine the five 
dumbest champs in history. 
Within minutes, the com- 
puter spat out the answer: 
Primo Camera, Floyd Pat- 
terson, Ingemar Johansson, 
Joe Frazier, and, of course. 
Leon Spinks. 

But, except for Spinks, 
were they all really that stu- 
pid? Vihce Ciccarelli de- 
cided to find out. He devised 
a grueling fifteen-question 
true-or- false test that cov- 
ered every topic from archi- 
tecture ("A log cabin is made 
from logs. T or FT) to zool- 



Floyd Patterson would take 
on nis old rival Ingemar Jo- 
hansson. And Leon Spinks, 
the odd man out, would 
match wits with a Proctor- 
Silcx blender (the "Blender 
withaBrain"), 

The opening test bouts 
were full of surprises. Primo 
Camera scored an astound- 
ing thirteen out of fifteen 
questions correct, to Joe 
Frazier's three. The com- 
puter explained that Car- 
nera had been paid by the 
Mob to take a dive in the 
match: in his numskull at- 
tempt to answer all the ques- 
tions wrong. Camera got 
almost every one right. 
Frazier, to his credit, lived up 
to his nickname, "Smokin 1 
Joe," as clouds of steam 
poured out of his ears while 
he struggled with the test. 

Floyd Patterson easily 
trounced Ingemar Jo h ami- 
son in their match, four 



questions to none. Patterson, 
a tireless trainer, had boned 
up on his multiplication 
tables, sparring with some of 
the sharpest third-grade 
minds in the country By the 



three (eat, sleep, take 
cocaine). 

The preliminary bouts 
concluded, the time had 
come to match up the two 
winners, "Mongoloid" 




Patterson vs. Johansson 



time of the bout, he was in 
the top thinking shape of his 
career. Conversely, Ingemar 
"The Swedish MeatballV 
Johansson was completely 
confounded by the test, since 
it was written in English, a 
language unfamiliar to him. 
Johansson, who has lived in 
this countiy for a scant thirty 
years, had mastered only 
one English phrase in that 
lime: "lT>ain dere vunce be- 
fore, 1 t'inkr Unfortunately 
for him, this phrase did not 
turn up on the quiz. 

In an attempt to revive a 
flagging career. Leon Spinks 
volunteered to take the 
Battle of Wits test in person, 
rather than have the com- 
puter simulate his responses. 
Spinks. who has been work- 
ing as a skycap in Chicago's 
(J Ha re Airport, managed to 
get the day off, so he could 
confront his opponent face 
to face, man to appliance. 
The pair seemed evenly 



Floyd Patterson and Primo 
"The Great While Dope" 

Camera. Vince Ciccarelli 
came up with fifteen brutal 
rounds of questions, for 
what was billed as the Brain- 
Busting Battle of the Centuiy. 

Clang! The fight opened 
with excitement and con- 
troversy as the referee fired 
off the question for Round 
1 : "Name three colors!' Car- 
nera leapt to the fore with 
"Vanilla, chocolate, and 
strawberry?* Patterson broke 
in seconds later with "Me, 
my mama, and my wife'" be- 
lieving the question to be 
"Name three coloreds" Both 
champs were confident that 
they had won the round, but 
the judges declared it a draw. 

By Round 2, the fighters 
were already mixing it up 
and getting mixed up over 
the second question: "Flow 
many hands do you have?" 
Camera grabbed the ref by 
the neck, asking, "Do you 




Spinks vs 

matched, and at the end of i 
three hours of heated com- I 
petition their scores were 
tied, 0-0. Judges finally 
awarded the match to the 
blender, since it could per- 
form four functions (chop, 
dice, grate, puree) to Spinks's 



Blender 

mean him or me?" Patterson, 
full of animal cunning, took 
advantage of the diversion, 
using the lime to slip off his 
gloves and begin a hand 
count, "I got me at least two, 
three hands," said Floyd. 
He was awarded the round. 



CoDvriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



Mike W Al's Boxing Briefs 



Round 3 had the two 

fighters duking it out, toe to 
toe. They were asked, "Is 
lumber something you eat?" 
Floyd shot out a lightning- 
fast "No," but Primo coun- 
tered with a jolting *T do, 
sometimes' 1 His managers 
were quick to corroborate 
this fact, and Camera won 
the round. 

The boxers were begin- 
ning to show brain strain by 
Round 4. The question was 
"What is a dog?' 1 and it 
floored the two champs. 
They silently milled about 
the ring, scratching their 
heads for over two minutes. 
Suddenly, Camera cried 
triumphantly, "A dog!" The 
judges refused to award the 
round to either lighter. 

Camera and Patterson 
went scoreless for the next 
ten rounds as well respond- 
ing to every query with fast 
combinations of " You got 
me" and "Boy, that's a 
tough ie" Going Into the last 
round, the two heavy weights 
were tied, with one round 
apiece, and the other twelve 
rounds even. 

The computer-simulated 
crowd was hushed as the ref- 
eree delivered the fifteenth 
and final question of the 
match: "What are ice cubes 
made out of?" Patterson 
stood in quiet meditation 
while Camera fired off a 
rapid series of possible an- 
swers, hoping for a score: 
"iron, Cneese, Linguini. 
Women. Mustard. A dog." 
Finally, with seconds re- 
maining in the round, Pat- 
terson murmured hesitantly, 
k ice cubes,,, a re made... out 
of. . .bigger ice cubes?" 
"Close enoughs declared the 
judges, giving him the 
round, match, and title, 
Floyd Patterson was chosen 
the" Smartest of the Com- 
puter-Picked Stupidest 
World Heavyweight Boxing 
Champions of All Time. 

Viiice Ciccarelli tele- 
phoned Patterson, now re- 
tired, at his home in La Jo 11 a. 
California, to inform him of 
his victory. With customary 
mod est v, Floyd replieJ, 
"Ah'm lahk to be de in- 
tellec table of dis to da I. and 
so it's good." Spoken like a 
true champ. • 



Watch all-championship 

all-star boxing on tv 

all day. all night! 



JUNIOR 
FLYWEIGHTS 

WBA champ 
EMILIANO ("BtGTACO") GONZALEZ 
VS. 
W8C champ j 
GONZALO EMILIANO 






SENIOR 
SUPER-FLYWEIGHTS 

WAA titlehotder 
ROBERTO rPUPI") CAMPESINO 
VS. 
WPA champ 
MANUEL EMPENADA 



BULGING 
BANTAMWEIGHTS 

BAA champ 

JOSE CUBA 

VS. 

NRA titieholder 

PHONSOBEDQYA 



WIRY 
FEATHERWEIGHTS 
WAA champ 
CARLOS MORON 
VS. 
USBA champ 
JULIO ALACAZAM 



GOOSE-DOWN 
FEATHERWEIGHTS 

ABC champ 

JUANZARAZUELA 

VS. 

ACB titieholder 

LUIS PIPIRINO 




WHOPPER- itlNfOR 
WELTERWEIGHTS 

ABA titieholder 

GARGANTUANO MELON 

VS. 

GAC champ 

CARMINE MIRANDA 



8IGGERTHANLIFE 
WELTERWEIGHTS 

BBC champ 
ROBERTO CHORIZO 
VS. 
GTE champ 
ANTONIO ("KID ANGEL") MARICON 







PETITE 
MIDDLEWEIGHTS 

IRA titieholder 
SAHIB MEZUZAH 
VS. 
NBC champ 
MARVIN ("MONSOON") MUGLER 





60NE-CRUSHINQ 
MIDDLEWEIGHTS 
CBC champ 
MIGUEL DOS EQUIS 
VS. 
AAF titieholder 
SCHOETZEHTANGE 





WNIOR 
LIGHTWEIGHTS 

TWA champ 
ERNEST ("THE THUMB") PARAGUAY 
VS. 
NBA champ 
EDDIE MAHUFAMAHOJO 




BIG-BOY 
LIGHTWEIGHTS 

HEW champ 

OBEZIENJAS ZIZAPECTL 

VS. 

NAB titieholder 

WILLIE RANDY 




NO-CAL LIGHT 
HEAVYWEIGHTS 
ITT champ 
GERALDO ("BOOM BOOM") FLAN 
VS. 
OPA champ 
JESUS TEFLON 



BASIC 
HEAVYWEIGHTS 
AM A champ 
BOBBY ("BALL BITER") QUINN 
VS. 
AFC titieholder 
RUEBENPOLLO,JR. 



KING-SIZE 
HEAVYWEIGHTS 
WBA champ t 
EMILIANO tBIG TACO") GONZALEZ 
VS. 
WBC titieholder 
GONZALO EMILIANO 






CoDvriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



OOTRALL 




AS LIFE BECOMES MORH PRECAR1 
and people become more isolated 
from one another fewer events have 
the potency to penetrate the lives of 
great, disparate masses of human 
beings, simultaneously, and affect 
them all alike. Assassinations and 
declarations of war are generally 
such events, as are moon landings, 
hurricanes, plagues, and hundred- 
thousand-megaton holocausts of volcanic magma 
that fill entire valleys and entomb millions in tneir 
sleep. 

In each circumstance, a bond emerges— a bond 
of collective pain, or survival, or, in the case of the 
hot lava, a oond of everyone being red-hot and 
dead. There are, however, rare instances when a 
happier union arises, when the luster of an excep- 
tional triumph washes over a whole society and 
endows it with vitality and pride. Everyone, from 
the most powerful to the most servile and mealy, 
seems to bristle with a fresh spirit, a newfound con- 
fidence in himself and in the future. Witness, for 
example, the victorious San Francisco Forty- 
niners, heroes of Super Bowl XVI, and how 
they've single-handedly galvanized an entire city 
full of homosexuals, hundreds of thousands of 
them, squealing as one, bristling with spirit and 
butyl nitrate and pride. 




50 Juh 1982 



Pftoto&rvplu: V. DamUn. fibew on Sports {Montam and Watsh) 

Coovriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 




National Lampoon 51 



CoDvriaht©2007 National Lamooon Inc. 





D 



SEQ32KEB 




52 July 1982 



Bran bed courtesy (f Elegante Brnu Beth, Brooklyn, N.Y. 



CoDvriaht©2007 National Lamooon Inc. 




National Lampoon 53 



CoDvriaht©2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



FLUSHEHS 



onlooker it appeared that the young lass 
had succumbed to nothing more than 
food, drink, and circus fun. 

SOME RICH AND DEMENTED TEXAN 
had hired a crew to drill for oil in his 
skull, thought Mike Seamus. experienc- 
ing the unique pleasures of a chloro- 
form hangover. The circus had left 
town and the lights were off in the royal 
box. so Seamus had a hard time making 
out the form of Mean Joe. shivering and 
moaning in his seat. There was a note 
by his side that Seamus read. 

Mike Seamus; 

Wc, the Handicapped Liberation Coun- 
cil, have liberated Princess Caroline as a 
izcsuire of solidarity with Third World 
handicapped athletes everywhere who 
were not invited lo this warmongering 
circus and would nt have come ifihey were. 
We demand $5 million for her release so 
that the peoples movement for pan racial 
desexualized libera tionist handicapped 
athletics may continue against the dreary... 

Seamus crumpled up the letter and 
let out a groan. The Handicapped Lib- 
eration Council was a Marxist splinter 
group composed mainly of cripples and 
misfits who thought the world had 
given them a bad break and should stop 
its orbit, find some knees, and go down 
on them to beg forgiveness. It sported a 
few noncrippled activists who were for 
the most part required to go around in 
wheelchairs as a symbol for the equality 
of ail. They were considered quite dan- 
gerous now that the new leadership had 
abandoned their exercise program of 
nonviolence following the death of 
their chief after he had chained himself 
to the lead car during a pit stop at the 
Monte Carlo Grand Prix. Officials re- 
fused to cave in to pressure tactics and 
the race had continued, when mis- 
fortune soon struck the chained crazy. 

When Mean Joe Greene found out 
what was happening, you could have 
peeled him oft the floor, wet him, and 
stuck him on an envelope, so great was 
his desolation. Seamus led him out of 
the casino and into the dazzling Vegas 
night. OF Grace sure wouldn't like this 
turn of events. 

Thinking only once or twice about 
leaving the country. Seamus pondered 
his next move, driving distractedly 
through dim streets, he did not notice 
the blond in the wheelchair crossing the 
intersection until it was too late. Metal 
struck metal, and a broken little wheel 
teetered and veered off toward the curb. 

Gazing down at the twisted wreck- 
age, Seamus received an emotional 



punch to the kidneys. This was the 
blond dish who had spurned the antic 
charms of Jerry Lewis the night before. 
Pulling off her blond wig. he recognized 
her as Martine. a Soviet gymnasium op- 
erative hed last tangled with in the 
Doctor J. and Doctor Doom attain 

He would have wagered a diamond 
the size of a soccer batl that she was in- 
volved with the abduction of Caroline. 
Standing over hen he could see that her 
condition was critical. Seamus whis- 
pered gently into her dewy blue eyes 
that if she "didn't talk right away, the 
largest black guy she ever saw would 
want to know why. 

THE BAR WAS CALLED THE GOLDEN 

Rooster and its location off the Strip in 
downtown Las Vegas made it a prime 
location for every loser in the book to 
call it home for an evening. For the 
price of a chili dog or two and a few 
nee rs, ser u ff who d esc e nd ed in their 
dirty beat-up Dodge vans might be able 
to walk away with one of the sun- 
drenched cow-eyed honeys who 
showed up because they had alwavs 
gone there before. A greasy taco stutter 
named Miguel offered cocaine cut with 
Maalox and Triple- X Hour in small 
packets of generic tinfoil for one hun- 
dred a gram, about two-thirds of the av- 
erage weekly salary for the crowd 
tonight. A sad -eyed black wearing 
purple- tin ted heart-shaped glasses like 
the ones George Harrison wore in 1967 
sat nursing a shot of house tequila and a 
Coca-Cola chaser, as lonesome C & W 
songs drew a small crowd at the juke- 
box over by one of the two pool tables. 

The wheelchair set made their en- 
trance around eleven and rolled into a 
room at the back of the bar. They were 
debating a plan for world conquest 
based on the secret introduction of a 
parasite into America's wheat that 
would break down the spinal material 
of a nation and force all to walk on all 
foui-s. leaving them masters of the race. 
It was voted down when no one knew 
how to find a parasite like that. 

Seamus and Mean Joe Greene stud- 
ied the layout and decided on a direct 
attack. They spun the nastv Marxists i 
'round in circles while catling them | 
ever}' bad name in the book, until they ' 
admitted that Princess Caroline could 
be found inside the liquor locker. She 
was sitting on a stack of cases, sipping a 
Budweiser tallboy. "1 don't know if I like 
the taste of been * she said. *it*s kind of 
iekvr 

Hearing the familiar crunch of high 
heels on ice cubes, Seamus turned and 
found himself at the barrel end of a 
gold-plated Smith & Wesson. At its op- j 
posite end stood Princess Grace, look- , 
ing regal in a coat of blue fox. 

"That's right. Seamus, it's your old I 



pair she sneered, her eyes narrowing 
with contempt. "Stand clear, "cause Fm 
bumping off that brat while V ve still got 
a chanced She ripped open her daugh- 
ters blouse, exposing the curve of her 
left breast. "Pretty nice, huh? A tempt- 
ing treat for eye or tongue? Well maybe 
she can steal* Philippe away, like some 
circus tramp, but shes not going to get 
any more of my guys, with a bullet in 
the belly.." 

Mike Seamus realized with a start 
that the woman he had secretly carried 
a torch for these many years was a se- 
riously brain-damaged individual. Per- 
haps all that electricity hadn't been the 
best thing... 

Mean Joe Greene moved quickly 
and blocked the hurtling bullet in a 
Hash. Seamus kicked the gun out of the 
former movie c|iieens hand without re- 
alizing that his friend had rushed his last 
pass, that the game clock was close to its 
final tick. 

Gasping tor ah; Greene struggled 
desperately to remember the French ex- 
pressions he had been memorizing to 
inform Caroline of his feelings in her 
native language. "MoL je voudrais des 
pommes soufrlees. Est-ce que cela ira 
avec ie canard?" 

Caroline pursed her lips thoughtfully 
at Greene's words. "He said he'd like 
some souffleed potatoes and would that 
go all right with the duck. What a 
bunch oi nutbars around here. Let's 
drop Mom off at the clink and go to the 
disco." 

Mike Seamus considered the words 
carefully. It sounded like a good idea to 
him. ■ 



Books in the 

Mike Seamus Mystery Series 

Danger in the Dugout 
The Terror in the Boston 

Garden 
Doctor J. and Doctor Doom 
The Incredible Shrinking Chuck 

Wepner 
I, the Umpire 
THE Big Sloop 
The Don King Inquiry 
Pitchoutat Hanging Rock 
THE Thing Beneath the Spectrum 
The Other Side of the 

Wheelchair 
TOE Solid Gold Jump Shot 
The Blazing Blue Spitball 
The Hall of Fame Frame-up 
Jock. Jury, and Executioner 
The Sad- Faced Power Forward 
The Boog Powell Shakedown 
The Cleveland Indian Outbreak 
Escape from the Felt Forum 
The Willie McCovey Meltdown 
Mystery at Orlando Cepeda 
The World Series Screw-up 



54 Julv 1982 



CoDvriaht©2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



INTRODUCING THE NEW 



T 







CoDvriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc 



Color: 
Olive Drab 





L. L. Beaner 
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there is no oven available, simply dip them 
in a hot -pepper sauce until they soften and 
become chewy. 
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on your bare chest in the summer. A \fery 
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Color: Olive Drab 
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Sportsman's Belt 




Color: Dark brown. 



A targe amount of good leather and good metal parts go into the 
making of this handy belt. Use it for dress wear, for casual wear, and 
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#1142P— Sportsman's Belt $6.95, ppd. 

(Specify which saint yon wish to be stenciled. Add $1.50 for 
stenciling.) 



CoDvriaht©2007 National Lamooon Inc. 




Beaner's All-purpose Protective Helmet 

We have had this helmet field-tested by spectators at cockfights, boxing 
matches, soccer games, and other sporting events, under the most severe 
riot conditions, and have found it to be extremely durable and resistant to 
many forms of shock and stress. Made of the finest plastic, built to 
aircraft specifications, and lined with shock -resistant layers of Rub- 
Ron ™ , a special vinyl made for the aerospace industry. Comes with 
unbreakable goggles and extra-large chin strap, Lightweight, and nearly 
impervious to flying bottles, cherry bombs, torches, ordinary bullets, 
poison darts, rocks, and beer cans. Ideal for watching all sports. 
Can be washed with soap and water. Handsome "fighting cock" 
emblem. Mens sizes: Small, Medium, Large, Extra-Large, 
Gorilla 

#1754K — All -purpose Protective Helmet 
$29.95, ppd. 



Beaner's Pre-Broken Beer Bottle 

A genuinely formidable weapon that is a must for anyone "cruising" 
the bars or on unfamiliar turf without any other weapons at his 
disposal. This beer bottle has been prebroken and sharpened in 
our own factories to our highest specifications. The glass is 
specially treated and hardened to give you years of trouble- 
free service. Just the right length of bottle neck is left for 
you to get a good grip. Lots of sharp edges allow you to 
inflict plenty of damage on your first swipe, even 
more than with a knife thrust. Comes with a handy 
genuine -leather bottle holder that snaps on to your 
belt or can be used as a shoulder holster. A favorite 
of Mr. Beaner and his buddies for over forty- five 
years. Three brands availUe: Cucaracha, 
Maricon, Cuchifrito 
Pre-Broken Beer Bottle 
#1987 Cucaracha #1988 Maricon 
#1989 Cuchifrito $2.50, ppd. 

L* L. Beaner Gang Warts 

For youth -gang members who feel that they do not look menacing enough, we have 
designed our own facial improvements that make you took one hundred times tougher and 
meaner than you really are. Each box of Gang Warts contains over 100 different facial 
applications, including big black warts and blotches, ugly scars, deep red knife gashes, 
bullet holes, and much more. All the Gang Warts are made of high-impact plastic, 

guaranteed to last for years. Special high-bond epoxy 
cement is enclosed for permanent adhesion of your 
Gang Wart. \ou will strike fear into the hearts of your 
enemies with these highly realistic facial aids. 
#1143— Gang WarU 
$1,95, ppd. 









■ 



Beaner's 
Decorative 

Matador 
Doorknob 

For the true aficionado, the man 
who goes to the bullfights for the 
sport rather than to get drunk, flirt 
with women, and shout O/e/ at the 
wrong time. Hand made for us, by 
the respected matador -doorknob - 
carving firm of Pedro Maricon y 
Flan, of the finest Honduras 
mahogany. Hand painted in a 
moisture- and mildew -resist ant, 
waterproof acrylic finish. 
#1378 — Decorative Matador 
Doorknob 
$5.95, ppd. 



; 






■ ■ 

CoDvriaht©2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



Beaner's Original Felony Shoe' 



Mr, Beaner first developed this shoe in 1978. He was 
tired of getting caught in a chase by a bunch of overweight 
cops or young women or homosexuals who just happened 
to be on the scene while he was shoplifting or purse- 
snatching. He knew that the problem was his shoes. 
Leather shoes had good breathing qualities but were loo 
heavy for distance running. Tennis sneakers were good for 
fast sprints but lacked durability for long chases. After 
many years of jail sentences and fines he got sick of his 
inadequate shoes and developed a totally new model that 
did away with all the disadvantages of his previous shoes. 
He called it the Beaner Felony Shoe. 

\bu will notice the practical advantages of Mr. Beaner s 
design as soon as you slip these shoes on your feet. They 
weigh just a few ounces, yet the leather -ny Ion fabric offers 
extra-long wear and perfect comfort. No breaking in is 
necessary. Generous toe box and form-fitting heel cup 
assure a perfect fit where it counts. The soles are 
featherweight » high- impact rubber with a shock-absorbing 
tread — perfect for running through city streets, in empty 
lots, and on rooftops. \bu can jump from three-story ■ 
windows with little or no aftereffect. The nylon-leather 
uppers are water-resistant. The total effect of the Beaner 
Felony Shoe is like running on air — just bouncing along 
like a jackrabbit. Mr. Beaner personally guarantees that it 
will make you run at least 50 percent faster. He still Uses 
his shoes for chases of up to ten miles with virtually no 
fatigue and no foot blisters or chafing afterward. As a 
result, we are sure that the Felony Shoe will give you at 
least a twenty- to thirty-yard lead over your pursuers. If 
you are not completely satisfied with your shoes, or if you 
are caught, have your mother send back the shoes. We'll 
give her a full refund, credit, or a replacement. Perhaps 
you'll prefer to choose another L. L. Beaner product when 
you get out of prison or reform school. 




Mr. Luis L. Beaner 

holding his Original Felony Shoe 

Mr. Beaner honestly believes that these are the finest 
outdoor specialty shoes ever made. And we continue to 
make improvements and modifications every year to make 
the shoe even better. In any case, we try our best to 
maintain the highest standards of quality and craftsmanship 
started by Mr. Beaner over two years ago. If our Felony 
Shoes let you down in any way, let us know. Mr. Beaner 
has some very good contacts downtown and in the legal 
profession who can handle your case for a small fee. The 
names of his lawyers and bail bondsmen are enclosed in the 
shoe box that comes free with your Felony Shoes, Don't 
hesitate to call them if you need them. They'll have you on 
the street with your fresh Felony Shoes in no time. 



For a small extra charge we can redesign your Felony Shoe* lo uiclude a 
knife holder, a secret compartment for your drugs, a clip -mi loe bayonet 
that can inflict heavy damage, and a special see-through plastic rain guard 
that slips over your shoes for extra protection. 

We also offer monogramming (your initials), custom- dyed colors* and 
heavy-duty spiked soles for stomping and emergency street fighting. 

Your L. L. Beaner Felony Shoes should last you a long time, but if you 
think they are wearing out, send them back and we'll try to repair them. 
We're not in the shoe-repair business, but Manuel, a guy who works for 
us, and his cousin Jesus know a man in Florida who is supposed to do 
very good work on Felony Shoes- We can send your shoes to this man, but 
wt need a $1 deposit from you so that he knows the job is legitimate. We 
will pay you back the $1 when the shoes are ready, because we guarantee 
everything 100 percent and the repair job is free. Allow about six months 
for the repair, or maybe longer, because Manuel is not sure exactly where 
this guy lives in Florida. He thinks it's North Miami. Please do not worry 
about your shoes getting lost. We can always send you another pair. Our 
reputation is more important than a pair of stinking Felony Shoes, you can 
be sure of that. 




L. L. Beaner Felony Shoe 
#1342— Men's *ize* 6V2-I4 
#1343— Women* iizes 5-10 
$39.95, ppd. 






CoDvriaht©2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



Beaner's Decorative 
Fighting Cock Lamps 

A superb addition to your den, rec room, or social club, for both its illumination 
qualities and its uncanny accuracy of reproduction. Hand carved out of pure wood by 
the switchblade artisans of West Los Angeles, in the shape of two of the nmst famous 
fighting cocks who ever lived — El Topo and the Flying Burrito. Hand- painted finish. 
Mounted on a sturdy plastic base thai closely resembles wood. These lamps will 
become real conversational pieces among your buddies and will give you many hours of 
lighting enjoyment. 
Decorative Fighting Cock Lamp 

(bulbs not included) 
#5241— El Topo 
#5242— The Flying Burrito 
$15.95, ppd. 








Beaner's Human Decoys 

After many attempts on Mr. 

Beaner's life over the past few years 

(two of which resulted in severe 

wounds)* he realized that he had to 

fool his enemies with a special kind of 

decoy, an exact likeness of himself, his 

own "head,** which could be placed on 

windowsills and in other areas, 

offering the perfect phony target for 

his attackers. 

He engaged the services of the most 

prominent woodcarver and slice man 
in the neighborhood, GonzaJo "Chi-Chi" Uruguay, to create the first set of Beaner Human 
Decoys. Mr. Uruguay used actual pictures of Mr. Beaner in order to create a perfect likeness. 
The results were highly impressive, and many of Mr. Beaner's enemies were snuffed out . 

Today, Mr* Uruguay has perfected his techniques, nsinfe a lead -weighted base (for the neck 
portion), flesh-totted modeling clay for the facial details, and patches of real hair for the hair. The 
inner materials are made of high-impact plastic and plenty of real wood where it counts. The 
surfaces are sprayed with Latinoguard*, a water-repellent treatment developed by Goya Food 
Products thai will keep your decoys impervious to inclement weather conditions. Mr. Beaner 
guarantees that even your own mother could not tell the difference between your decoy and the real 
person. 

To obtain your Beaner Human Decoy, send us at least two or three good -quality, recent pictures 
of yourself. Close-ups of your head and face, in color, are preferable. Specify if you want your 
decoy to smile, frown, or just "hang out." Optional extras include detachable cigarettes and cigars 
that can be inserted into your mouth, and various hats, scars, and birthmarks. 
#1657- Humwi Decoy $22.50, ppd. 
(Specify hat size, so we can get the right dimensions for your head.) 



CoDvriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



59 




60 July 1982 



CoDvriaht©2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



KA SI AHA BAT 

BY SEAN KELLY AND RICK MEYER OWITZ 



Not brilliant was the outlook for the Yokohama Prawn- 

The score stood four to two, with eight and one-half 

innings gone. 
But the fans loved basa bom, and so in the stands 

they sat, 
And hoped for one more chance to watch Ka-Skttrra come 

to bat. 
Go, Nagasaki Goldfish! Yokohama Prawn, hurrah! 
Hot saki here! Cold Kirin! Sushi, get it while it's raw! 
With stoic calm they watched two hitters pop to shallow 

short. 
Of scorn they gave no raspberry, nor of disgust a snort, 
Although they knew Frin (who was small) 

and Burake (who was fat) 
Would have to stay alive to bring 

Ka-Si-safl to the bat. 
But with Zen patience Frin just stood. 

and somehow drew a walk. 
And after Burake and the third-base 

coach had had a talk 
Concerning kamikaze, Bushido. 

and toss of face. 
The fat man caught a fastball in 

the ear, and took his base. 
Now the Kabuki cheerleader, 

a white-faced acrobat. 
Leapt up and led a choais of 

"Ka-Swa/iattabat!" 
You may well wonder (while they give their 

neat, preprogrammed cheer) 
Just how that diamond superstar canxe to be playing here: 
Men's motives may be many, but the yen to win is why 
The vaunted slugger had become a Rent-a-Samurai. 
The Mudville owners wouldn't pay the wages he was worth, 
So Casey took his glove and bat halfway around the earth. 
By geishas he was entertained, and on tempura dined, 
He was honored, he was worshiped, and eventually signed, 
To play his nation's pastime in the nation of Nippon, 
As the round-eyed gate attraction of the Yokohama Prawn, 
Where the scoreboards and the stadiums and the bullpens 

look the same, 
But just a little smaller— a 
scale model of The Game 





He strode out of the dugout, swinging half a dozen bats, 
Through a blizzard of kimono belts and meditation mats. 
His muscles flexed, his knuckles white, his visage set and 

grim, 
Fie dug in with his cleats, and then— the umpire bowed to 

him! 
A pause. The umpire bowed again. How formal. Flow 

discreet. 
Our hero sent a gob of Red Man splashing at his feet. 
c< Ah, so!" the umpire murmured, and he signaled to 

the mound. 
The pitcher nodded, stooped, and rolled the ball 
along the ground! 
While Casey watched, amazed, it 
reached the plate, and there stopped 
dead. 
"Hey, what the hell. . !* said Casey. 

"Stlikeone!" the umpire said. 
Now Casey stepped out of the box, 

and looked up at the stands. 
Not a .single soul was shouting. 

They were sitting on their hands. 
The players in the dugout, the coaches 

down the lines 
Were quiet as the bodhisattvas 

in their roadside shrines. 
Once more the umpire smiled and 

bowed, and once more Casey spat. 
He grabbed his crotch and crouched and 
sneered and twitched his mighty bat.. . 
This time, the pitcher lobbed the ball somewhere not 

far from third. 
And Casey shook his head, because the only tiling 

he heard 
Was the umpire saying, "Stlike two!" and no other 

sound at all. 
For the silence was so perfect, you could hear 

a lotus fall. 
Now Casey threw his helmet. Now Casey lost his cool. 
He called the ump a dog's child, out of wedlock born, 

a fool; 
Set out upon a stomping, spitting, shouting, 

swearing spree; 
And stopped to catch his breath, and heard the 

umpire say, "Stlike thleeP 
Two hits. Two left. No runs. O shame! O terrible 

disgrace! 
O awful loss of ball game! More awful loss of face! 
Now Casey thinks, "Can't win 'em all. ..wait 'til next. . . 

what the hay?! " 
For the coach is looking at him in the most 
peculiar way, 



National Lampoon 61 



CoDvriaht©2007 National Lamooon Inc. 




Not a fan has left the bleachers, and his teammates 

gather 'round. 
Looking sad and kinda solemn, and nobody makes a 

sound,.. 
And just now Casey notices the batboy coming toward 
Home plate, where Casey's still standing, and. . . 

he's carrying a sword! 
It's raining in the Favored Land. They've had 

to call the game. 
But there's joy in Yokohama, where they honor 

Ka-Si's name, 
For there's nothing more exciting to the fans of old 

Nippon 
Than an executed sacrifice, when the suicide 

squeeze is on! 








W? 



- 









<*9*> 



Mm mm 






62 Julv 1982 



CoDvriaht©2007 National Lamooon Inc. 




BARCkW BARClAy 



99% tar free. 




The pleasure is back. 

BARCLAY 



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Menthol, 1 mg, "tar", .2 mg, nicotine i 



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, , ! That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health, 

■ Goovriaht©i2i0O7 National Lamooon Inc. 




1984 OLYMPICS COMMITTEE 
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA 



HONORARY CHAIRMAN: 
President Ronald Reagan 



VICE-CHAIRMEN: 
Gordon Davidson 
A I Da via 

Georgia Frontiers 
James Galanos 
David Geffen 
Robert Haldeman 
S. I. Hayakawa 
Charlton Heston 
Kareem Jab bar 
Earvin Johnson 
Stan Kamen 
Gregory Peck 
Jack Wrather 

TREASURER: 
David Begelman 

ADVISORY BOARD: 
Herb A I pert 
Stewart Brand 
Jerry Buss 
Alan King 
Bob Mathias 
Judy Maze) 
Matty Simmons 
Michael Simmons 
Andy Simmons 
Richard Simmons 
James Stewart 



LOS ANGELES 

BY GERALD SUSSMAN AND JOHN WEIDMAN 



The Los Angeles County 
Olympics Committee 

SUITE 4851 2727 AVENUE OF THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS 
BEVERLY HILLS, CAL. 90021 TELEPHONE: 1-800-555-6079 TELEX: LIMPIX, LA 

A Message from Maureen Reagan 






July 4, 1982 



Dear Media Person: 

Hello I And welcome to the first "sneak preview" of the 19 84 Los 
Angeles Olympic Games! As cochairperson of the Los Angeles County 
Olympics Committee, I've helped prepare this special Media Guide 
"Preview-Pac" for you and a select group of your colleagues. In 
it you will find a jam-packed treasure trove of facts and figures, 
everything you need to know about what's shaping up as the most 
thrilling sports event in human history — the Los Angeles Olympic 
Games I 

Looks like my pride is showing, doesn't it? Well, if it is, I'm not 
the only one. From the barrios of East Los Angeles to the board- 
rooms of Century City, from the gritty, "get down" style of Watts 
to the Old World elegance of Bel Air, up and down the freeways from 
Ventura to the Valley, everywhere you go in Tinseltown these days, 
you'll find Los Angelenos working overtime to make our city shine 
a little brighter, smile a little wider, all building toward the 
magic moment when we finally throw our doors and windows open wide 
and say, "Come on in, world! We're ready for you!" 

And when we say you, we mean you , media person! We want you to be 
a special part of this titanic undertaking, with its ninety-four 
events spread over eighteen days, its 7,000 athletes speaking over 
thirty languages (Mem Dieu! ) * To make sure you don't miss the boat, 
or miss the fun, we'd like to recommend that you start to plan your 
coverage now. Take time to skim the printed matter we've assembled 
for you> Any questions? Just pick up a phone and call me, either 
at the special 800 number listed above, or at my home in Santa 
Monica (213-555-2661) . If I'm not in, my service will pick up and 
I'll get back to you as soon as possible. But don't delay! As 
three-time Oscar winner Marvin Hamlisch puts it in his specially 
commissioned, out-of-this~world anthem, with these games "the Olym- 
pics return to Olympus!" And you won't want to miss a minute of it! 

God bless you, 




Maureen Reagan 
THE LOS ANGELES OLYMPIC GAMES: "THE OLYMPICS RETURN TO OLYMPUS!" 

Coovriaht©2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



OUMPICS PRESS KIT 



BURN_ON 
ETERNAL 
TORCH! 

K 



kindled "on lo- 
cation" at the very peak of towering Mount Olympus, then 
whisked birdlike ^Western Airlines Boeing ,74/ »^ 
the world the fiery flame that symbolizes the unquenchable 
Olympic spirit will I touch down at Los Angeles International 
A mT at exactly 9:11 on the morning of the Opening Cere- 
mK From LAX, the burning beacon will proceed by 
hand* transported through the streets of Ing lewood and 
Cu ver City by an all-star relay team consisting o some fifty- 
seven specially selected f'^^s^D. Jerry Buss 
Marcus Allen and three former USC and UCLA Heisinan 
TroSv wnners. Mrs. Justin Dart, Lieutenant Governor 
Mike Curb, Paul Westhead, M^!?^^'^^ 1 w 
onne, seven members of the cast of Hill Street Blues, five 
members of the San Jose State volleyball team, Mayor 
BradS's cousin Junior, and Max Rafferty to name a few 
Anchorinq the relay team, and running the last lap into 
resDlenden L A Coliseum, where the great Olympic torch 
wyibe ignrted to burn witlvthe brilliance of a sourttem- 
California brush fire for the Games' durfcj ^eased 
Liahtninq himself, twice nominated for the Golden uoDe 
Award as Entertainer of the Year Official Comedian to the 
Los Angeles Olympic Games-Mr, Richard Pryorl 




Artists rendering of official relay •nohonnon *£*"*»*"< 
as he Mill scamper up the steps at (he LA. Coliseum, tne 
Olympic flame borne blazingly aloft. 



WELCOME 
TOLA 

A 

tomed to the cramped, make-do accfLSittofSb 
Olympic Vil ages are in for quite a shock™X v "check 

novel way -and saving California payers T P ettToennv 

until tney taste her crispy, southern-style fried chicken"! 
Tom Hayden and Jane Fonda will be playing I osuo both the 
Cuban basketball team and the Chinese avmnasK lim 

British n^fl S f a ^ n c °e. and other members of the 
British track team (much sought after auests thanK tr, L„ 
spint-soanng triumph of Chariots oTpf^ £ hockev 
teams from Pakistan and Nepal will be quartered at thP 

Germ1n P |q n u d ad 9 S vS^ ^ 3nd , the r^ffiS* 23 
uei man squads will be ensconced at L'Hermitaap with 
valet parking, "training specials" added to the s^DD^m^n 
in the dining room, and complimentary spli?s o fWSte 

Haffi&sf breakfasts served sssassfft 



,<£ ® mm ah www** 1 

I! I 1 




a»asa»tf«asss»aaa 






Illustrations: Howard Nostrantl 




CoDvriaht©2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



SOUTHERN 
CALIFORNIA: 



A PLACEFOR 
EVERYTHING 

D 

Borne, Munich, 
Muh lieal - these and other past hosts of the Games have 
been required tu levy heavy taxes on thetr citizens tu oidet to 
buikslruct elaborate stadia to house the competitions but 
nut SO Los Angeles! Unlike the culture-neb but sports-poor 
capitals of ancient Europe, Los Angeles abounds in sports 
facilities and "sports appropriate" facilities as modern as 
tomorrow ham the basketball court at UCLA's Pauley Pavil- 
ion to the pool at the Beverly Hills Hotel, when" the Games 
begin, all Los Angeles becomes a playing field, all Orange 
County an aienal 



PARTIAL LISTING OF EVENTS AND VENUES 



Event 

hack and hold 



Gymnastics 



Buxiny and heestyfe 
Wrestling 



Swimming 



Kayaking and Canoeing 



1 he Steeplechase 



GrecQ-HofTian Wrestltuy 



Equestrian bvents 



I he Marathon 



Venues 



Memo! idl Coliseum, 
Dodger Stadium 



UCLA held House 



The hoi um 



USC Alumni Pool, The Por- 
poise Tank, Mauneland of 
the Pacific 



Ghost Mountain Flume 
Ride, Magic Mountain 
Theme Park 



The Back Lot, Universal 
Studios 



La Brea iar Pits 



O.K. Corral Barbecue and 
Picnic Area; Knott's Berry 
Farm 



San Diego f-reeway (Exits 
9-1 /, southbound, left 
Ime. off-peak hours) 



• 



_ _ AND THE 
WINNE R IS. .. 

t 

■ he medals - 
silver, bronze, and gold— the tangible rewards of excellence 
... surely their presentation is the highlight of each Olympics 
competition And who knows more about presenting such 
awards with glamour, style, and grace than we do here in 
southern California^ Here's what to look for at a typical Los 
Angeles style medal ceremony: 

1) In place of stodgy representatives from the Olympics 
Committees of obscure and often hostile nations, teams of 
"Oscar seasoned" celebrity presenters, organized and su- 
pervised by Linda fcvans and George Segal, will be handing 
out the honors, adding that distinctive "touch of class" for 
which oui town is justly famous. 

2) To guarantee the absolute integrity of the results, all 
final timings will be verified by representatives of the ac- 
counting firm of Price, Watei house, then kept in strictest 
secrecy until the moment when "the envelopes" are finally 
opened. 

3) lb insure thai evety record that is set will live forever, all 
results will be compiled by Irving Wallace, David V\Ja\~ 
lechinsky, and a do^en members of the Wallace/Wal- 
leehinsky c\an, then published \n a mammoth paperback 
original. The Almanac of the Olympics Lists. 

4) Instead of the expected, ho-hum marching bands that 
have traditionally played at medal ceremonies, each gold- 
medal winner's national anthem will be rendered live, in 
person, by a group dtawn from a pool of volunteer perform- 
ers that includes the Pointer Sisters, the Ramones, and FfcO 
Speed wagon 

To be sure, each competition has its winners, but with 
ceremonies like these, we believe that no one ready loses. 




Artist's rendering of the medal ceremony following the fifty- 
meter freestyle, to be held in the world-famous pool at the 
Beverly Hills Hotel. Celebrity presenters Loni Anderson and 
James Brolin will do the honors, while the Commodores 
present their version of "Auferstanden aus Rumen," the East 
German winner's national anthem. 



66 juiy mi 



CoDvriaht©2007 National Lamooon Inc. 




The Los Angeles County 
Olympics Committee 

SUITE 4851 2727 AVENUE OF THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS 
BEVERLY HILLS, CAL. 90021 TELEPHONE: 1-800 5SS-6079 TELEX: LIMPIX, LA 



Bob Hope: Official Mascot 
of the 1984 Olympics! 



Greetings from 

Bob "Let's Kick a Little Commie Ass and Win Some Gold Medals" [lope: 

It's really an honor and a thrill to be chosen official mascot of the 19 84 Olympics, 
to be held right here in Los Angeles, Los Angeles, the only city where surfers can 
ride a smog wave to Pasadena without making a left turn, But seriously, the Olym- 
pic Games are the most exciting sporting event in the world* Where else can you see 
a seven-foot Bulgarian basketball player, a five-foot Japanese gymnast, and a ten- 
foot Pole, I was just kidding about the Pole. It's for pole vaulting, I just want 
you to know that we've got the biggest and best bunch of athletes I've ever seen and 
they're going to really bust a button for the good old U.S. 

And speaking of athletes, we've got a secret weapon on our team — Warren Beatty, 
Warren has promised to abstain from sex for the next two years and go into training 
for the marathon. All that energy is going to be recycled into his legs. Wow I 
He'll make those Commie runners see Reds , 

But enough idle chatter. You'll soon be seeing my adorable likeness on all the Olym- 
pic material — all the official souvenirs. See you at the Games — if you can break the 
traffic jams and find a parking spot J 



Here are just a few of the Bob Hope souvenir mascot items soon to be on sale: 




.7"* / 


1^, 
> 



BOB HOPE 
OLYMPIC 
TOTE BAG 



BOB HOPE 

OLYMPIC 

BEER MUG 



^EfrJjJK 





BOB HOPE BOB HOPE BOB HOPE 

OLYMPIC OLYMPIC OLYMPIC 

COCKTAIL SHAKER CREDIT CARD COCKTAIL NAPKINS 

HOLDER 



THE LOS ANGELES OLYMPIC GAMES: "THE OLYMPICS RETURN TO OLYMPUS!' 



Illustration pjfflip Scheuer 




CoDvriaht©2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



National Lajriboon A7 



Ovenn^j^ ~---~— -^^Tanguage- 

——~ ^Tin our international vis 

«♦ » few of the stgns in ou 
Here are just a tew «■ 



O 



^ 




fi 



A 






£URITYSECURITYSEC 

There will be no security problems at the 1984 Olympics. Not only wilt we have the protection of the L os 
Angeles police force, the National Guard, and three puvate^detective agencies with licenses to kill, but a vast 
army of undercover agents wiff be present at every event. You can just relax and enjoy the show. You'll never 
recognize the agents, because they're in the show too, dressed as athletes. 



68 JuH \m 




Coovriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 




The L.A. Olympics 
Committee Press 
Kit was financed 
by the following 
companies: 



Q&P 




Them*?, 



Give i - , Be sf;! 
"person?^ 



** 



mcdooo 



OFFICIAL DOOR LOCKS AND SAFETY 

BOLTS OF THE 1984 OLYMPICS 

Medecoi Yolk Personal Best in Home and Oflice 

Security Systems 



Ernest and Julio Gallo 
Proudly Announce 

the New Official Wine 
of the 1984 Olympics 

OLYMPUS COLD 



A medium-dry, medium -sweet, 

medium-sparkling, golden wine 

that goes with meat, fish, fowl, 

eggs, vegetables, fruits, and 

grains. Enjoy it anytime, day or night. 

GALIJO 



Just as the Sinews 
and Fibers of 
Our Metals Must 
Be Strong... 
So Must Our 
Olympic Team. 
Good Luck from 
U.S. Steel 



Official Sheet Metal, Steel Tubing 
and Meta! Alloy of the 1984 Olympics 





JOMOM'BUBU 

"Fastest man on earth." 

-Johannesburg Police Dept. 
"A great runner and a credit 
to his race." m —Dick Young 

Jomo M ' Bufou is represented 

worldwide by the 
WILLIAM MORRIS AGENCY 
Person ;it appear twees include the 
Merv Griffin, Mike Douglas, and 
John Davidson shows, the Sands 
Hotel, and the London Palladium. 

William Morris Ageney, 
15! El Camino, Beverly Hills, Cal. 

Contact Miff it Ctttnsictii 



Bean 
"Ace," On 
the Field 
and Off, 
with 

AGE, 

the 

Official 
Comb of 
the 1984 
Olympics 




BLOW 
THEM 

OUT! 



CONN 

Official Saxophones and French 
Horns of the 1984 Olympics 



THE OFFICIAL BAKING 

POWDER OF THE I984 

OLYMPICS WISHES THE U.S. 

TEAM BEST OF LUCK 



BAKING 
%H\0 



Cakes add cookies are well loved in any 
language. Make new friends from other 
Olympic teams with baked products 
made with Davis Baking Powder. You'll 
get a royal welcome! 




Phoiottruph&: Phowfik, Wide World * ltiumranon: Chris ihttham • Symbols: Philip Sclutierflfft.page) 



National Lampoon 69 



CoDvriaht©2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



A POR TRAIT OF 



STEWBRENNER 




auks' New Lesbo 
Boss Unveils Plans 
for Team 

"GERT STE1NBRENNER. THE BRONX 

Bombers' feisty new owner, has taken 
the lid off plans to put the league-lead- 
ing team in the vanguard of the 
modernist movement. 

In a recent interview; Miss Steinbren- 
ner said. "This team doesn't know 
diddly-squat about cubism and making 
sentences. Their nouns have no vitality: 
Tm just going to have to kick some ass 
around here." 



Who's on Fifth? 

TO BEGIN WITH. GERT HAS ORDERED 

a redesign of the field according to cub- 
ist principles, with eight bases, '"in order 
to represent all views a I once!' A fan 
will have the experience of seeing the 
Held as though he were sitting in the 
bleachers, up in the top deck, and be- 
hind home plate, all at the same time. 




s 



pring Training at 
Villa Ballparco 

ALREADY PLANNING FOR NEXT 
season, the portly Yankee owner will 
lake the team to the villa she and her 
brother rent on a hillside above Flor- 
ence, Italy. "It'll be great for the hoys." 
says Gert. "Chasine the ball downthe 
hill into the city will run some of the fat 
olf Bob Watson, and Phil Rizzulo has 
already offered to Eive the team a little 
extra workout on the boccie court. 1 just 
hope they don't break too many church 
windows" 




70 Julv 19X2 



CoDvriaht©2007 National Lamooon Inc. 




National Lampoon 71 



CoDvriaht©2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



E 



rancophile 
Dumps Franks 

IN YET ANOTHER DRAMATIC MOVE, 

Miss Steinbrenner announced her 
appointment of Alice B. Toklas as the 
stadium s new concession natre. This 
Game-loving gal will replace the vener- 
able hot dogs with saucissons and crusty 
baguettes. The vendors, who will don 
colorful smocks, are being taught to yell 
in French. A group of strollingsomme- 
iiers is also being readied to help the 
tans select from a comprehensive list of 
vintages, 




w 



arming Up 
in the Salon 

GERTS TRADITION OF SATURDAY- 

night bull sessions will continue as she 
takes the helm of the Yanks. The pitch- 
ing staff wilj meet for poetry, in what 
has been dubbed "The Bull Dyke Pen!' 

"Goose" Gossage hopes the arm 
woes that plagued him late in *81 won't 
cramp his writing style. 

The hurlers can look for additional 
support if Gert keeps her promise to 
personally scout new butch talent in 
girls* softball leagues. 



Wii 



"infield Applauds 
New Diaghilev-lnspired 
Uniforms 

THEY CALL BALLET "BASEBALL FOR 

fairies" But now baseball will look like 
"ballet for jocks'" at least on the 
Yankees, 

It seems Miss Steinbrenner has been 
very impressed by the Ballet Russe 
production of Scheherazade. This fact 
is strikingly apparent in her designs for 
the new Yank uniforms. Dashing jupes- 
culottes are topped by a tunic with a 
wired hem that creates an elegant sil- 
houette on the field. 

The new batting helmet, a draped 
turban with an upstanding tuft of 
aigrettes, is a daring .accompaniment to 
the elbow-length silk glove. 

But one questions the mandatory 
heavy earrings, brooches, and strings of 
pearls, which will cost the Yankees 
valuable speed on the base paths. 

However, Dave W infield is extrava- 
gant in his praise of the new ensemble: 
"1 like it! It makes me feel like the house 
nigger in a harem!" While DM Oscar 
Gamble is less enthusiastic: 'T can't see 
sitting on no wired hem for nine 
inningsr 



T, 



he House 
That Russe Built 

THE SKETCHES FOR THE REDECORA- 

lion of Yankee Stadium show once 
again the influence of the Ballet Russe, 
Trie seats will be torn out and replaced 
by bright, tasseled cushions lavishly em- 
bellished with gold and silver Rare 
woods and unusual materials such as 
vellum, shagreen, and porphyry will be 
used extensively throughout the club- 
house and press facilities. 




72 Julv 1982 



Coovriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



s 



coreboard 
by Matisse 

THE GUTSY LITTLE MISS STEINBREN- 

ner has also come up with a bold con- 
cept for the main scoreboard, based on 
sketches made by Henri Matisse shortly 
before his death. It dispenses with the 
customary instant replay and sub- 
stitutes a dramatic display of some of 
Gert's wittiest epigrams. 

Miss Steinbrenrier has also ordered 
aO punctuation removed from other 
stadium scoreboards and signage. 

Stadium advertisers too are joining 
the modernist movement. The Getty 
Oil Company has come forward to an- 
nounce it will award a Jacques Lipchitz 
sculpture to any player who hits their 
sign in left center field. 




UIJOp 



T 



heOeuvre 
of Yogi Beret 

A KEY PART OF GERTRUDE *S PLAN HAS 

been to have the coaching staff attend 
oil-painting classes at the Ecole des Arts 
Modernes, with the objective of having 
a group show on the outfield fence. 




Broken Bat Single 



Ball on Checkered Tablecloth 



REGGIE JACKSON HAS BIG REGRETS 
about his recent move to the L.A. 
Angels: "Tve always loved Gen's writ- 
ing. Her prose is purer than Gide and 
Hemingway put together. And I've got 
no quarrel with cubism. Its something 
I've always felt spiritually close to. 
When my contract with the Angels is 
up. if Ge'rt offered me two million with 
an escalating clause tied to the take at 
the gate. why. Td be on the next rlightr ■ 



National Lampoon 73 



CoDvriaht©2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



«* 

^ 



A 



#^ 



<^ 



£ 



s> 



^ 












NfVfi OWE MQHE 



74 July 1982 



BY WAYNE MCLOUGHLIN 



Coovriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc 




Letters 



(CONTINUED F R O M P A G hi 8 ) 

j Sirs: 

What about I his plan the Catholics 
J have to update the mass by substituting. 
i bite-size Bit <T Honeys for the tracli" 
| tional tasteless wafer? The candv com- 
I pany is already planning to cash in by 
j renaming their product Bit O' Christ. 
i Sure, it'll bring the kids into the church. 
; but the wife and 1 are concerned about 
J their teeth. 

Jim Bakker 
c/o The PTL Tom-Tom Club 

| Sirs: 

Increases in your monthly phone bill 
) reflect our telephone service. Beginning 
next summer we will introduce into 
eveiy home and business the Reminder 
Service Unit. This is a new telephone 
that begins to smell bad the moment 
i your phone bill becomes overdue, Users 
j may choose from our many models, in- 
cluding Princess Vomit, Traditional 
Ammonia. Decomposing Mickey 
Mouse, and French Wine Breath. 

The Phone Company 
fivervwhere 

Sirs: 

Something s wrong with my foot! Pve 
been sitting in this movie theater for a 
couple of "hours and now it feels all 
numb and tingly. This guy next to me 
tried to tell me my foot ts asleep! Is this 
possible? Can one part of my body be 
asleep while the rest of mc is awake? 
And while I'm asleep, are other parts of 
me waking up and doing things I don't 
know abottt? This whole thing scares 
the shit out of me. 

Andrew Sards 
Loews Thirty-fourth Street 

Sirs: 

Murderers are always looking for 
people to kill, and suicidal people are 
always trying to figure out a way to die. 
The Murder-Suicide Cooperative 
brings these two groups together. This 
way, murderers won t kill innocent vic- 
tims, while suicides wont blow those 
great insurance benefits for their griev- 
ing relatives. If you belong to either of 
these categories.' please register with us, 
Hal Dellin 
President. Murder-Suicide Cooperative 

Sirs: 

Could you please call mv mom? She 
was supposed to pick me up an hour 
ago. This is my last stamp. Click. 

Chrissv 
Outside the theater 

(CONTINUED ON PA Q V. 1 ,% 




\ 




Dcdsteck Memories 



ITIONAL 



■ 



Now! The GOs Can Live Forever 

The historic social phenomenon of mud, flowers and love in 1969 known as Woodstock is 
already an American legend. The greatest names in contemporary music played second-fiddle 
to the greater performance by the youth of America This magical event is already an important 
historical landmark closing a decade of student activism this country can never forget. 

COLLECTOR'S ITEMS 

As record crowds swarmed in, ticket sales were called off, which is why some 1 0.000 unsold, 
mint condition tickets were found in a warehouse last spring. 

They became Instant collector's items. Each is perfect and each is numbered. 3-day 
Woodstock tickets, beautifully mounted (removeable-not glued) and framed in glass. Even 
their obvious investment potential is overshadowed by their very personal social, cultural and 
nostalgic significance to all of us who lived through Americas tumultuous sixties. 

FIRST-COME-FIRST-SERVED 

We can now offer these rare and wonderful treasures on a first-come-first-served basis-for 
once they are gone, they cannot be replaced. Once sold out, all orders and checks will be 
immediately returned. Here's what you get; 



*The original J-day ticket, framed 
and ready for display 

Certificate of authenticity from the 
original printer 

^Appraisal estimate for $600 from 
famed Sotheby's of New York 

Best of all. we can offer your Wood- 
stock tickets for their original face value of 
524.00 plus $6 for the handsome, protec- 
tive mounting and framing under glass. 
Your total investment $30,00, despite the 
hefty $600 appraisal! 

An investment? An historical collecti- 
ble? Or perhaps a priceless memento; an 
heirloom marking a unique and moving 
era for America. Those for whom this 
special event had meaning should order 
right MOW, for this limited offer, once 
concluded, can n&fet come again! 

t 1982 Hammond Advertising 



NL/Galleries, Dept. 7-82 

635 Madison Ave^ New York, NY 1 0022 



Please reserve and ship immediately^ 



.framed 



Woodstock Tickets plus authenticity and appraisal 
certificates, i have enclosed s 30,00 for each plus 
$2,50 for postage and careful handling. I understand 
that if my tickets or frame should be damaged in any 
way I may return for a replacement or a refund in fulf. 
Rush my order to: 



Name_ 



Address.. 



City- 



State- 



_Zip_ 



CVtsa DMC Intbk #_ 



Acct. #_ 



^Exp,_ 



Coovriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



National Lampoon 75 



ease . . . not now 
I'm reading Gallery 

Entertainment that 

lelights the senses. . , 

ivolves you with ideas. . • 
makes work and 
nlay more creativel 



wi r t 






W 



Gallery Magazine rp 

Subscription Depl. P.O. Box 252 
Mount Morris, Illinois 61054 
Chock "!"■ bos for ths subscription you watti: 

1 year (12 issues) |20.00 ? 
yon save $15, jo (Canadian Currency $23.00) 

ears {24 issues) $38.00* 
you save $32.80 (Canadian Currency $44.00) 
TO CHARGE YOUR SUBSCRIPTION PLEASE 
CHECK BELOW AND SHOW NUMBER 
VISAD MASTER CHARGED 

ACCOUNT NUMBER_ 

GOOD THRU 

Name 

Address __ __ 

City 



_State. 



Mp- 



Please allow 8 to 10 weeks for delivery of your first issue. 
*If paid in dollars, the U.S. prices will apply. 
m Price* "*'i ---tihjni to change. 



CoDvriaht©2007 National Lamooon Inc. 




National Lampoon 77 



CoDvriaht©2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



Make 
everyday 

your 
Brut Day. 




Great Days seem to happen 
more often when you're 

wearing Bruf by Faberge. 

After shave, after shower, 

after anything* 



Letters 

(CONTINUED PROM PA G li 7 5 ) | 

Sirs: 

Hey. you guys are in the humor 
game,' right? Then no doubt you are al- 
ready familiar with our movie parodies. 
Like, for Raiders of the Lost Ark we 
wrote "Raiders of the Lost BlechhhT 

f (Chuckle) And The Empire Strikes 
Back became "The Empire Strikes 

j Blcchhh'' (Chortle) This brings us to 
our problem. We're going to do one of 
our biting satires of Reds, but we're 
afraid that if we call it "Blechhhs." 
nobody will get it. Any ideas? 

William" (Blechhh) Gaines 
Mad Magazine 

Sirs: 

The latest craze here on the campus 
is a game called Rape. You stalk a coed, 
and then when you've got her alone, 
you touch her and tell her. "You 've been 
raped" The object is to show how easy 
it is to. rape someone. You shouldn't 
really rape them, though. Unless they're 
real pretty. IT. | 

All the Guys 
Phi Epsilon Theta 

Sirs: 

Its time we took a hard look at a 
problem that's plaguing our schools— 
namely, kids swearing. Tune in this 
Friday to our hard-hitting special report 
"Why Johnny Can t Swear? We ve got 
some eye-opening film footage of our 
youngsters in schoolyards and on play- 
grounds, saying things like, "You big 
hell!" "I don't give a bastard!" and 
"How the cunt do I know?" If you're a 
parent, you owe it to your kids to watch. 
Parental discretion is advised. 

A Bigwig at PBS 
With his head up his ass- 
Sirs: 

Jump in the lake! Your mother wears j 
army shoes! Get lost! You're a jerk! Just 
a sample of the kinds of phrases you'll 
learn in mv new class in assertiveness 
training. 6nly $200 for four hours. 
Major credit cards accepted. 

Dr. Melville Davidson 
Malibu, Cai 

Sirs: 

Do you know why Oriental Little 
League teams always beat American 
ones? 'Cause their players aren't kids, 
they're men. Little Taiwanese men, In 
disguise, That's why we always lose 50- 
to-zip. Just play those so-called Rittle 
Reague boys against the New York 
Yankees. I bet we'd kick their asses. 

A Typical Little League Parent 
Namely, an asshole \ 



Sirs: 

I just want to thank all of you who 
voted for me in the recent election for 
Ugliest Comedian in the Western 
World. I'm sorry to say, however, that 
most of the returns are in and Jimmie 
"Dyn-o-mite" Walker is in the lead. 

David Brenner 
Vegas 

Sirs: 

Yes, I bite my fingernails, and no, I 
won't do a weelc-long TV special warn- 
ing people of the dangers involved. So 



don task. 



Sirs: 



Robert Evans 
Hollywood, Cat 



My next film is called De Light - 
housen unt de Menen. It is about a 
lonely man who moves to a lighthouse 
on the Swedish coast, in wintertime. He 
goes to this barren outpost so that be 
will have time to brood about past fail- 
ures, to berate himself for past fool- 
hardiness, and to agonize over long- 
dead love affairs. 

People often ask me why are all my 
films so stifling and dark? Why so unre- 
mittingly depressing and hopeless? I 
will tell you why. ItTis because I was 
married to Liv Ullmann for years, and 
in all that time she never gave me a 
blowjob. Not once. Not even a little 
one. Can you conceive how depressing 
that was? 

I forgot to tell you the last part of the 
film. It seems that the lighthouse that 
the lonely man moved to had been built 
only that same morning, at low tide. 
After the desolate man moves his few, 
miserable belongings into the light- 
house, the tide comes in. the lighthouse 
is engulfed by the sea. and the man is 
drowned. The lighthouse, you see, was 
too short. Now leave me alone: I have a 
him to make and then I am going to kill 
myself. 

Ingmar Bergman 
Negatyevv Fjord, Sweden 

Sirs: 

This is a comedian chain letter, Copy 
this letter six times and send it to six co- 
medians. Remove a joke from the bot- 
tom of the list and add your joke to the 
top of the list. In three months you will 
receive 1.751 fokes. If you break the 
chain, you will have seven years of bad 
jokes. 

"Know why women have vaginas? If 
they didn't, no one would talk to them." 

"Why did the Polack divorce his wife 
and marry an outhouse? The hole was 
smaller and it smelled better'' 

"Know why 1 got thrown out of the 
Boy Scouts? I got caught eating a 
Brownie in mv tent." 



78 July 1982 



Coovriaht©2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



Sirs: 

[ am writing to tell you how much 1 
enjoy National Lampoons covers, a lot 
of the pictures inside the magazine, and 
the first sentence or two of some of the 
articles. 

One of Those Guys Who Flips 

Through the Magazine in the Store 

But Is Too Cheap to Buy It 

Sirs: 

Some say Charlie Fin ley is the big- 
gest asshole in sports; others say its Ted 
Turner. Honestly, what do you think? 

George Stein brenner 
New York. N. Y 

Sirs: 

Fve never written a letter to anyone 
before, but your article was so great, so 
moving, that. well, look at me, Pm writ- 
ing a letter! Let's see, how should 1 start? 
How are you? Gee, this is lough. I am 
fine. The weather has been great lately 
Everybody is welJ. Jimmy (to the left in 
enclosed picture) is doing real good- 
still painting the straightest highway 
dividing lines in Iowa! And little Bessie 
(seated) got an A on her book report, 
it's hard to believe that another year has 
gone by. Things just seem to go so . . . 

Maty Grant 
Little Falls, Iowa 



Sirs; 

No doubt you too think that all those 
colorful banners and posters that you 
see at baseball and football games are 
homemade. You know, the ones with 
messages such as "ABC and Cose II are 
tops." "Way to go. Reggie." and l \S feel- 
ers are' #T 1 The truth is. the signs are 
made and distributed by my company, 
and the homemade look gives them 
(hat little extra touch. We are now de- 
veloping a new line of banners for the 
home to celebrate family life, and we re 
interested m placing ads in your maga- 
zine. Our research has shown that your 
magazine appeals to the same redneck, 
hi go ted, beer-swilling clowns who at- 
tend or watch athletic contests, 

Bobby Lee Bland 
Bland Posters 

Sirs: 

Hey. I just thought of something. You 
know when I sing "New York, New 
York"? Well. I was taking a shower 
when I thought, wow that's just like the 
address: New York. N.Y.! Maybe I 
should work a zip code in during the 
bridge it's never too late. What do vou 
think 9 

Frank Sinatra 
Blue Cataracts Beach. Fla. 

if O N T I N U E D O M PAG E <> 5 i 




Carry 
a big 
stick 

of protection. 




Brut 33 

Anti-Perspirant Stick Deodorant. 

Effective glide-on protection 

you can carry plus 

the great smell of Brut® 

By Faberg6, 



National f ampoon 79 



Coovriaht©2007 National Lamooon Inc. 






Also available in blue and yellow 
at $13,95 each. 



ANNOUNCING FROG 

National Lampoon now offers the 

most prestigious shirt in America, and at a price 

that prestigious people can afford. 



FROG DRAWING B* f ,ARTOQNlST SAW GRQS? 



CoDvriaht © 2007 National Larruaroafi \m€.. 



TRITE 

S ECTION 



True 
Facts 



LKMAN ADVERTISING, AN 

,*£ V «£y repn 

Mc Donal a *s hamburger 




eency representing the 



chain in the Philadelphia, 
Pennsylvania, area, issued a 
memorandum outlining McDonald's 
policy regarding radio advertising. Ac- 
cording to the memo. McDonald's re- 
quires that an interim of Hi teen minutes 
separate their ads from those of com- 
pethive advertisers on the air. The pol- 
icy statement defined competitive 
accounts as "drive- in restaurants, full- 
menu restaurants, indigestion remedies, 
and dog food." (contributed by Tim 
Menowsky) 

DAVID M. G RUN DM AN, TWEINTY- 
seven, pf Phoenix, Arizona, was in the 
desert outside Lake Pleasant blasting 
saguaro cactuses with a sixteen-gauge 
shotgun for target practice. After felling 
one of the big plants, which are pro- 
tected under Arizona law, he fired at 
least two rounds into another, tweniy- 
six- foot-tall saguaro. A friend who was 
with him told Maricopa County au- 
thorities thai Grundman had just begun 
to shoti i, 'Timber! " when the falling 
cactus crushed Grundman to death. Ar- 
izona Republic (contributed by John 
Pinckney) 

AFTER REPORTEDLY BITING THE HEAD 

off a bat during a performance in Des 
Moines, Iowa, rock starOzzy Osbourne 
SOUghl medical treatment for rabies at 
two local hospitals, and health officials 
were asked to scour the concert site for 
the bat's body. 

"I don't know if the bat was alive or 
not," said chief humane officer Frank 
I larmon. 'All I know is Mercy Hospital 
asked us if we could find it!* 

Police officers in attendance at the 
Veterans Auditorium concert said they 
hadn't seen Osbourne bite the bat, but 
one uniformed cop said, 'T saw him put 



a couple of birds in his mouth, but he let 
them loose!' 

Another officer told a reporter that 
while he hadn't seen the bat incident ei- 
ther, he had noticed raw liver on the 
floor. UP! (contributed by M.J. 
Prymowicz) 

ENGLISHTOWN SPORTSWEAR, LTD., 
manufacturers of Sergio Valente de- 
signer jeans, filed a $1.5- mi I lion suit 
against* Michael Lubin Byre, charging 
that the Philadelphia. Pennsylvania, 
businessman "seeks to achieve an un- 
fair competitive advantage at the ex- 
pense of English tow ns reputation . . . 
and makes its trademark the brunt of a 
cruel joker English town has asked the 
court to enjoin Byre from selling pro 
phy ladies under the trade name ^Ser- 
gio Prevented Women's Wear Daily 
(contributed by R.S. Byer) 

THE NEW ENGLAND TELEPHONE CGM- 

pany staged a full-scale press confer- 
ence attended by, among other media 
representatives, three television report- 
ers, with cameras, lights, and sound 



equipment. The dramatic announce- 
ment prompting the event was that the 
upcoming telephone directory would 
list names in four columns per page in- 
stead of live. Providence Sunday /ewf- 
nal (contributed by Hugh Danielson) 

POLICE IN INNSBRUCK. AUSTRIA, 

were called in to investigate the death of 
Anneliese Schimana, whose body was 
found near an area where prostitutes 
commonly served customers in their 
cars, A police pathologist ruled ihat the 
thirty-one-year-old prostitute died in a 
work -re la ted accident, having choked 
to death on her own false teeth while 
administering fellatio to a customer. 
Age nee France Press (contributed by 
Hugh All } 

TOM HROKAW TOLL) REPORTERS THAT 

he first decided he wanted to work with 
Roger Mudd, his coanchor on the 
"NBC Nightly News," when during a 
visit to Brokaw's home Mudd put a 
paper towel on his head and wiggled his 
ears. Cleveland Plain Dealer (contrib- 
u led by Uric Am b ro ) ■ 



Photo for Thought 



mt 


[m jt& ' 


' •'■ ^ i 


mW 


__■ 


31 *w^ 


WX\ J It bites. M 


' 





Kevin Cohen, Brunswick, Maine 



National Lampoon 81 



Coovriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



jEHv 




wim 



\ 



The man's 



f TV/ f 



55 



He knows what he wants and 
he knows how to get it. And ever 
since he was a little kid there 
was one thing he wanted more 
than anything else: to be a pro- 
fessional racing driver. 

His name is Michael Rosen 
and today he's one of the hot- 
test young drivers on the motor- 
racing scene. At e-z wider we are very proud to be spon- 
soring Michael because his quest for excellence is a brilliant 
reflection of our own continuing dedication to quality and 
excellence in the products we make. You know them: e-z 



55 '^e-z witter 



buy anywhere. Each leat 
e-z wider booklet is made 



highest quality, watermarked 
rice paper with a thin line of 
natural gum arabic for a perfect 
seal every time. And e-z widens 
are now available in the tradi- 
tional doublewide, VA and 1 '/j widths. ..and our newest 
ultra-thin e-z wider lights in 1 Vi widths. So whatever your 
smoking preference may be, e-z wider's got your size. 
And remember, when you're rolling your own, roll e-z. 



n^ 



MAIL TO; 

The House ot Rizla, Mail Order Division 

Box 5428 HicksviHe, New York 11816 

Yes. Inn ready to roll my own I he e-z way. Please send me the following boxes 
of e-z wider cigarette rolling papers. J certify that I am at least 18 years old. 

Boxes, 25 bklts e-z wider double wide . . @ S9.60 



{NY residents add 7%% sales tax) 

Mon^nrrlPr PI VlftA fl 


Total $ 


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--I 



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Y. 10017 (2121 922-1800 



The Oriental Slant 



DUNG TAItOR 




jV. P. Whitehead Lexington, Va, 



Fred Hoffman, Savannah. Ga. 



National Lampoon 83 



Coovriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



ONLY 1000 

SALE DAYS 




HITLER'S LIFE WAS MARKED BY A LOVE 

of cartooning. A lonely and frustrated 
cartoonist himself, he' made repeated 
attempts to sell hrs cartoons to the mag- 
azines and newspapers of his day. This 
led to the well-known series of rebuffs 
that embittered the Austrian youth and 
caused him to throw himself whole- 
heartedly info politics and genocide. 

Hitlers personal preferences in car- 
loons are well documented. He enjoyed 
those with a message, usually conveyed 
by strongly drawn characters notable 
\ov their targe noses. Yel his tastes were 
changing, and by the close of 1944 he 
was much more inclined to favor gen- 
tler and subtler cartoons, one notable 
example being a drawing of Winston 
Churchill screaming in futile rage at an 
American bald eagle flying oil' with his 
genitalia in its beak, 

With the aid of a com pu ten we were 
able to plot the changes in Hitlers tastes 
up to the preset) t day. and. according lo 
our computer model, had he lived "his 
favorite cartoons would have been 
those thai we have collected here. We 
hope you will enjoy them as much a* 
the FLih re r would have, had he been 
able to, —Ted Mann 




® 



r 



Sirs: Please send me 

copies of National Lampoon 
Presents Hitlers Favorite 
Cartoons at S2.95 each. 1 en- 
close SI. 00 for postage and 
handling. My check Ts pay- 
able to National Lampoon. 

Name_ 

Add ress _^ 

City : 

State 



n 



^i P _ 



I enclose S_ 



-lo: 



L 



National Lampoon Dept, NL782 
635 Madison Avenue 
New York. N.Y 10022 



,J 



CoDvriaht©2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



Funny Pages 



A <HlLDJ° mU PiRjYJJ GlVThat T^&WL ViE W h£r k*LL ThFM - 



T»E STORV: at THE <TTY DUMPfWwEfifl 

eiU'^ SAwTANfeo fggSHfRHibtOUS FaCHI 
Hi&eiCftlRJ$THJFA<£ToWS Wlf£ WHO IT 
IW&FKHOWMST TOHW iTABS HEftfELf fl 



i^Ytt in CHARGE *f T«£ *A*F <K^K5 
WITH CaaHTy^oR£HEFipR. ElWHO £V<CI. 



r ..j&ni m&ffl ma brief ouriitie 



i dtt.mx> her op m\m the 5tandarj> 
TflREE AM> OAK fMtP rcanmsioH mi* 
THE cm To TAEWHTKH&tAP WW 

I «#rth> *r wo. 3 «flwrnE8_Mfl& | 

HERBEUY. 



f-MAuropsY 

RBVoKToinm 
WavWN, 



J'UHAVE/Tfttf 

CAPTAIN. I WAS 
WW IT OUT 
AWACoOPiMCf 

TAHHLEt> VP /tf 
TflE TYPEWRITER 

AM> JAMMED 
THE KEYS--- 



57 



...dfTIR LUHCH I PROCEEDED To 

reaioVe parvauy \>m<xtt> 

FOCO RMJIAN75 FI$AU THE UPPER 
PffENETK &WBL.UT!Uim A 

awmmz i separated bile 

J(/^E5 FfcW THE T&MT0 PEEt^. 
PAKM5AN6VEE&, 236WCB6 
£3f AVOtAbO AHt> 76VtiC£$ cf A 

n<y>T£9> twwkie. -ms&msf^ 

A DE^AY F/^TcK oF<£, POTTOI* 
jjft 7WE oFflEATlUT 7:52 P/w! 




hex mm&io k ibu~* 

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ioRRoWAHt) VEXCTM 
HE HA$ FA$MOHEt> A 
METAPUOKIC RdPE Atit> 
[HAH&ep HlMEIf, 




?oza 



&U* E»B 
REGALES 



I REMEMBER ANOTHER T/jME-^Roi/MD EAiTUR I Trf/M- 
oR WAS iTARfloR PAY? \flELL , HomATTER. I WAS PoKlN' 
Afc>Mi> AM& F/M05 TTte JAR W/W WE *A? <M. I Pf^K* 
IT UPAtii> 6UAKB5 IT- TfiERB WAS frMETMH' IHSlDElll 

ot> krfi a FiecB of rtt^rz^^ ^''*^* 





National Lampoon 85 



Coovriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



Lessons in Life 



by Mimi Pond 




WardC 



by Tom Cheney 




ARE You SORB You pan 't M/vd? 
I MEAN,MAY8£ itHffiWfDotM WWJ, 
Me SiTTtN&Hf/??, HUH? 




WlL,\fWf(£SuRSrfS0!f:„.j 
MBAt* it 14 oky isn'tit 7 Vou'reho? 

jurr &ytm itsotf r—^= — ' 




OK, IF^OUSAVSO 




0\iFR -QWBANb GET A MMAWj) 





July 1982 



CoDvriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



Popular Problems 



I'D ONLY BEEN IN MY 
NEW APARTMENT FOR 
AN HOUR. WHEN SHE 
KNOCKED ON. MY DOOR. 




SHE WAS TERRIBLY 
AFRAID OF MICE 
AND ASKED ME 
WOULD I PLEASE 
CHECK HER TRAP 



MY UPSTAIRS 
NEIGHBOR TOLD 
ME HO ONE ELSE 
IN THE BUILDJN6 
HADMICE BUT HER. 



...AND THAT SHE 
ONLY USED THEM 
TO MEET NEW MEN 
IN THE BUILDING. 





by Ron Hauge 




T^fL¥7£ H ^£ SHE ASKED 
1 IF 5HE COULD CALL ON ME 
AGAIN IF JHE CAUGHT ANOTHER 



I DIDN'T BELIEVE HIM UNTIL I 
FOLLOWED HER TO THE PET STORE 




Politenessman 



by Ron Barrett 




PepiCATEO TO OUR PRESIDENTS SOCIAL StCREIAAY, MUFFie BHANDOM - TUg (SAL WHO MAKES THE WHITE HOUSE A POLL 

CoDvriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



National Lampoon 87 



The Rabbit Boy 



by hen Glasser 



. v <£2323>. 



^Buzzes, wrm mm* 

AC40AlW£Nce HAS -- 

&e~£fjmtsD hk ure 







/ T 'S PMUU^J, 



/gal 




(JN$Cp£tA/ yooK 




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"tit voiu, smprk^, 



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Saag £0&D@s$r imilgi 





July 1982 



CoDvriaht©2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



Zeb Piker 



by Hollinger 



Z-B8 DREADS 7WAN&H>WN5m 
JS TWP£t> MH& R£FKI6£RATQr\, 




Aunt Mary's Kitchen 




AtYVCgRoVW ©1492. 

"ToDAY. As Promised, 
VV£'R£6oW6T<»i.ooK 
AT MORE of MY, CoOSU, 
COUGrt,&fct>W£R. LEO'i 
PHOTO ALBUMS 




( WAVE A 
TERRIBLE 
COLD 



COUGH/ 5oM£ Of THESE I 
pHoTo GRAPHS ARE M«SSlA)G. f 

Zoo/c, Here ARE ivvo Women 
With their heads cut off, 

PR.06A6LV iEO'S FRlEA/Dj 



by M. K. Brown 




OH, WHo CARES? jZyk ^OME-TiMES YoU JiiSr 



/'M T(R£D oFLOOKiAJG AT 

otD PicruRes. t think 
rs T(ME for. 
ay shows 




HAVE ToTAkC 




AfcXT M«MTW: BASIC 4uToaAoB^£ REPAJ*- 

CoDvriaht©2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



National Lampoon 89 



The Appletons 



by B.K.Taylor 




90 July 1982 



CoDvriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



NATIONAL 

IAMPMN 



Product Bargain Bonanza! 







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r 

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Indicate the products vuu wish So ptiahase.erid<>e check ormonev order, place m envelope, and send in 

National Lampoon, Dept. NT 782, 635 Madison Avenue, New York, N.Y. J 0022 

Pkiise enclose 51.50 for postage and handling for each order under S3 ,00. and S2.00 for orders over's?. 00. New York Stale 
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JACK DANIEL 

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01 (Radio City's) Tlio 
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02 Roachofollor Center 
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03 We love NY-whlte 

04 Roaches of Penzance- 
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08 Roachanomlca-grey/ 
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71. FUCK OFf A DIE 

72 HOW 00 YOU SPLIL RELIEF? f -A-fl-T 

73 WHEN I WANT YOUR 0PIW0N, I'LL GIVE 
IT TO YOU 

74 WHEN I'M GOOD I'M VEflV 6000, BUT 
WHENTMBAO I'M GREAT. 

76 I'M NOT PLAY [Nli HARD TO GET. 
I AM HARD If! GET 

76 HOW CAN I SAY I LOVE YOU WHEN YOU ARE 
SITTING ON MY FACE? 

77 AN ELEVEN IS A 10 THAT SWALLOWS 

78 SEX WITH ANNALS IS BETTER THAN THE 
CHICK YOU'RE WITH 

78. I MIGHT UKE YOU KTTiH IF WE SLEPT 
TOGETHER 

80. HUMPTY DUMPTY WAS PUSHED 

81. SEE ME. 
FEEL Mi 
TOUCH ME. 
f AT HE 

82 TEU ME NOW BEFORE ! WASTE 110.00 

ON DRtNKS 
te WILD BEARD RIDES 50* 
84. 1 f UCK ON THE FIRST DATE 
86. IF YOU ARE TRYING TO ACT UKE AN 

ASSHOLE. YOU ARE DOING A GREAT JOB. 
86. 0R0P YOUR PANTS. I THINK I KNOW YOU. 

87 CAN I BLfY BAM MY INTRODUCTION TO YOU? 

88 I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING. 
LET'S TRY IT 

88. PRESIDENT REAGAN SAID, "ITS nME FOR 

A CHANGE.' SO LET'S FUCK, 
90 GO SUCK A FART 
9! SEX JS NEVER HAVING TO SAY YOU'RE 

HORNY 

82. I'M SO HAPPY I COULD JUST FART" 

93 I WOULONT FUCK HER WITH YOUR DICK. 

94 I ONLY SLEEP WITH THE BEST! 
96 DRUGS SAVED MY LIFE 

96 SHfT FUCK DAMN PISS KELL 

97. I OONT NEED LIFE I'M HIGH ON DRUGS 

98 EAT SHIT 5 DIEI 

99 HAVE A SHITTY DAY! 

100 TOO DRUNK TO FUCKI 

101 MY MOM THINKS I'M AT THE MOVIES 

102 REAUTY IS FOR PEOPLE WHO CANT 
HANDLE DRUGS 

103 D0NT f UCK WITH MY REALITY1 
104. HAVE A NICE DAY FUCK SOMEONE 
105 Lift IS UKE A SHIT SANDWICH. 

THE MORE BREAD YOU HAVE. THE LESS 

SHfT YOU HAVE TO EATl 
106, fT'S 80 FUCK'N GREAT TO BE ALIVE 
TO? I'M NOT AS THINK AS YOU STONEO I AM 
108 THE MORAL MAJORITY SUCKS 
108. I MIGHT NOT ALWAYS AE RIGHT. BUT 

I'M NEVER WRONG 
118 SEX HAS NO CALORIES 

111 I HAVE TROUBLE REMEMBERING 
NAMES-CAN I CALL YOU ASSHOLE? 

112 YOU ARE CORDIALLY INVITED TO SIT ON 
MY FACE. 

113 EAT SHIT & DIE MOTHER FUCKER 

47. MY FACE IS LEAVING AT NINE, BE ON IT 
00. AS L0N6 AS I HAVE A FACE. YOU HAVE A 

PUCE TO STT 
21, ID WALK OVER YOU TO SEE "THE WHO" 
IfflWT WEARfNG ANY UNDERWEAR 
FILM AT M 




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lt S™ lM 1 ALL T-SHIRTS 
WEIGHT T-SHIRTS \ \qq% COTTON 
MADE IN USA. 

REE MOUSTACHE RIDES {WITH ARTWORK! 
3. BEND OVER m ORFVE 
17 IN OUTERSPACE HOGGOY CAN HfAR 

YOU FART 
4 CHAMPION MOUSTACHE RIDER 

fWTTH ARTWORK) 
6 I RODE THE MOUSTACHE (WFTH ARTWORK) 
6 I OONT HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM, 
t ORMK, 
I GET DRUNK, 
I FALL DOWN, 
NO PROBLEM 

7. PARDON ME, BUT YOU'VE OBVIOUSLY 
MISTAKEN ME FOR SOMEBODY WHO GIVES 
A SHIT 

30 SOUNDS UKE BULLSHIT TO ME 

8. HEY UniE GIRL WANNA PIECE OF CANDY? 

9 HEY UTTIE BOY. WANNA PIECE OF CANDY? 

10 SAVE OUR BEACHES.., 
HARPOON A FAT CHICK' 

1 1 HAVE A NICE DAY, ASSHOLE' 

12 FUCK YOU IF YOU CANT TAKE A JOKE 



NEW SAYINGS! 

PLUS OVER 1«* MORE OF THE 
MOST RUDEST SAYINGS ON 
BASEBALL HATS 
AND SHIRTS! 

13 NO FAT CHICKS 

14 NO FAT DUDES 

15 WE GIVE AT FIVE 

16 WHY DON'T Wt GET DRUNK AND SCREW? 

18 THE MORE WE TALK. THE LESS TIME WE 
HAVE TO FOOL AROUND 

19 NO TEEN1E WIENIES 

20 MINES BIGGER 

22 IT'S HARD TO flt HUM0LE WHEN YOU'RE 
AS GREAT AS I AM 

23 BGY. SURE UK* TO TOUCH THOSE! 
G M'M 50 HORNY EVEN THE CRACK OF DAWN 

ISN'T SAFE 
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A3 HOW CAN YOU SOAR WITH EAGLES WHEN 

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APPRECIATED, t\ltt YOU VERY MUCH 
86 I'M A FUCKING GENIUS 
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68 THE WORD OF M DAY IS LEGS, HELP 

HELP SPREAD THE WORD. 
6S YOU ARE CORDIALLY INVITED TO GO 

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WARNED YOU ABOUT. 
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YOU WERE BLIND? 

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37 SNOW BLIND 

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Letters 

i, C O N T 1 N U L- D F ROM P A G E 79) 

Sirs; 

There's a real problem with the pro- 
nunciation of the word "U ran us." If you 
say "your-anus* 1 people say, "My 
what?"; and if you say "urine-us," 
people think you want them to piss on 
you; and if you say "yoifre-hvusr they 
think you're really sick. But there's a 
simple solution: Just refer to the planet 
by the name the Greeks have been 
using for millions and millions of 
years—" Bo nerlandr 

Carl Sagan 
Cosmos, AUigretli 



Sirs: 

YouVe got it wrong. I do still live in 
the sixties. The East Sixties. 

Ahbie Hoffman 
New York, N. Y, 

Sirs: 

Put sex in this letter? The fuck III put 
sex in this letter. You could strap me to a 
table and get whores to suck me oif till I 
orgasmed to death and I wouldn't put 
sex in this letter. And if you clubbed me 
over the head with Ann-Margrets tits, I 
wouldn't put violence in, either. So fuck 
off. 

A Letter with Principles 

No Sex, No Violence: 

These are my principles 



Sirs: 

To prepare me properly you need 
more than just chopped' beef. You 
should also have bread crumbs, a raw 
egg, and some carrot shavings. But if 
you doift have a carrot, its'all right, 
because two out of three ain't bad . 

Meat Loaf 
Lo$ Angeles 

Sirs: 

You should snort the ink on this let- 
ter. Its really good stuff, man. Then HI 
send you some shit to smoke. Onlv. it 
wonVbe shit like marijuana but rather 
shit like from cows. What a gas, man. 
Cheeeh y Chong 
Easy Street 



K EXT M O N T H 



. 




Illustration: David Cetsi 



National Lampoon 95 



CoDvriaht©2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Contest #10 



Can You 
Straighten 
Out the 
Rothko 
Paintings? 



BAD PHILISTINE VANDALS 
broke in to the Guggen- 
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Label the three paintings re- 
produced on this page top, hot- 
torn, left, and right and send the 
coupon today Winner will re- 
ceive a check from National 
Lampoon sufficient to cover the 
price of admission to the Gu 
genheim Museum in New Yor 
Winner selected at random. 
Contest void where prohibited 
by law. 





% .kiK 1982 



Coovriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



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